mommy of three

The last month has proven to be quite different in many ways. Welcoming little Evan has been another blessing in our growing household. When I called Madeline from the hospital to tell her "what" we had, she responded in shock with, "Another brother?" But when she saw him through the glass at the hospital, I kept hearing her say over and over again, "He is SO cute! He is SO CUTE!" Grant had an amazed look on his face, too, just staring at the tiny baby and pointing through the glass as if to ask, "What IS that?"

Coming home has been such a blessing. With live-in help for several days from Nana and Oma, my new role as mommy of three hasn't had any of the real challenges I've heard of. And having little Evan so close to Christmas has made our time together even more special. Having him has forced me to slow down and e.n.j.o.y the season and the priceless moments with my children. After a few days of being home, I watched Grant "discover" his new baby brother, walked over to him and touched him gently (in his toddler way) and kissed him. Later he said, "Bayybee" even though he still laughs at me when I ask him to say mommy.

Another sweet incident happened the other night as I was nursing Evan on the rocking chair. Grant came up to him and put his arms around him, trying to hold him by himself. I helped Grant carry Evan and followed his lead. Grant so badly wanted to carry the baby by himself, as he kept trying to move my hands away from helping him. But he led us to the changing pad on the couch and so I placed Evan there and waited. Grant climbed up on the couch and then laid on the changing pad right next to Evan. What a sweet moment to watch and experience. My big boy embracing my little boy.

Something else I've noticed with Grant in particular is that he has been more affectionate toward me since the weeks that led up to Evan's arrival and now even more since Evan's birth. And Grant seems to be making more efforts at communicating with us, and showing more of his sense of humor and personality. Yes there have been more tantrums, but that's to be expected at this age anyway. There's also more of an awareness of himself and how he relates to and interacts with all of us around him. Very fun watching him grow and develop, this mini man.

I have observed Madeline grow up overnight while hardly being able to contain the love she has for this baby boy. She tells me, "We are just falling in love with each other" (referring to her newfound love Evan). She also asks to hold him and calls him her "little star sweeper" and her "sweetheart." I love watching her very motherly instincts kick in. What a blessing that in spite of the mistakes I often make with her, she has a very loving and compassionate heart. It's also been wonderful to watch her reach out to Grant in a different way. Because I'm more involved with Evan and less available to both of them during these early weeks, they have found more comfort and play time with each other. Not to say that the sibling rivalry has ended - we haven't been so lucky - but at least it's taken a little shift in the other direction.

Having a baby does things to me, makes me feel idealistic again about parenting and the possibilities of motherhood. It gives me a sort of rejuvenating feeling inside, reminding me of how dependent these little ones are, and still vulnerable in so many ways, even though they are more growing more independent of me every day. They still need me and still learn from me, even those things I wish they wouldn't pick up. I feel a new energy (maybe it's the adrenaline due to my lack of sleep), but I'm thankful for it. It reminds me of the excitement of being a mom, even during those not-so-exciting moments.

I'm also reminded of my total depravity apart from the Lord. I cannot do this job on my own, but it is an appointed job from the very Creator of this universe, the very Creator of my own life and the lives of my children. He chose ME to be their mom, but more importantly, He chose me to know Him intimately. The only way that I can know Him with such intimacy is to hold onto Him with everything I have every moment of every day - happy, sad, fun, hilarious, angry, frustrated, tired and satisfied. They are all moments that He allows and uses for my growth and development, and my deeper reliance on Him.

Madeline, Grant and Evan - you don't even know the depth of my love for you, such gifts from the Lord.

Giving birth and expanding our family also draws me closer to Nathan. With each child and each experience together with that child, I feel even more deeply connected with him, as though we are even more complete as a family and as a
married couple. It's difficult to put into words, except to say that he is the only one I want to go through life with. Our kids run to greet him when he gets home and they wrestle and laugh with him until it's time for bed. He makes so many sacrifices for us, and yet he bathes us in his humble love and servanthood. I love you so much, sweetie! Thank you for traveling this marvelous journey with me every single day.

Welcome, baby Evan!

Born into this world
29 November 2007 at 3:05pm
7lbs. 9oz, 19 3/4 inches

Words of Love

At Thanksgiving yesterday, Madeline spent some time talking and playing with various family members. She has hardly ever talked to our Uncle Bill, mainly because he's a grown up that she doesn't spend much time around except for the holidays. Without knowing that he will be undergoing an angiogram next week and that his life could be in danger, she gave him a hug goodbye last night and said, "Good-bye, Uncle Bill. I hope you don't get dead." He cracked up and pulled me aside to tell me. When I asked her about it today, as far as why she wanted to tell him that she answered, "Because I just love him so much."

from your little point of view

Maddie to mommy: "Mommy, your belly is SO BIG...I think you have 10 babies in there!"

the waiting game

37 weeks
1 cm dilated
50-60% effaced

I think we're almost there!

Cute Crazy Cousins

We just had baby Isabella's shower yesterday and you really enjoyed it. In fact, all day today you kept saying, "Mom, you can't say Isabella or cute or you have to give me your necklace!" Even though I wasn't wearing a necklace, I understood that this was your favorite game from the party. But even more than the food and games, I think you loved playing with cousin Jen the most!! Who else lets you wear her high heels, lick her toes and put frosting lipstick on?








Only the best cousin ever!

Christmas already??

We had our annual Christmas walk downtown and it's something we look forward to every year (even though it's always the Friday before Thanksgiving - way too early for me but fun, nonetheless!). Madeline really wanted to see Santa this year, but Grant was not interested in the least. I tried to get a quick picture and this was the result:Get me out of here was what you said in Grant language (ie, crying and screaming as loud as you could)!


When asked what you wanted for Christmas, Maddie, you told Santa that you wanted a pink, princess computer. Santa then sweetly replied, "Well, you have a very Merry Christmas." Thank you, Santa, because this was news to me too!


The rest of the night was spent looking at all the Christmas decorations and just enjoying the festive atmosphere, watching the two of you frolick around together having the time of your lives. One of the funniest moments was when Grant saw the horse drawn carriage and we pointed to the horses saying, "Look, Grant...horsies!" And you replied, "Woof, woof!" And then later as the horses passed us again, Maddie said, "I think I smell horse manure." I don't know any other 4 year old that uses the word manure, but I don't know any other children that crack me up as much as you do!

A full day!

Madeline, you were so excited to have brother and me join you for your model train field trip AND your Thanksgiving feast all in the same day at preschool! I was just a couple of minutes late and I watched your class walk in a line and saw you stop and look back, hoping to see me. My heart warmed up to see your smiling face, because I knew that you were relieved to see that I had made it, even barely.




And you were so proud to have us at your Thanksgiving feast, because you had helped to prepare the pumpkin muffins that looked absolutely delicious!



Brother liked the fishie crackers and lemonade and I couldn't keep my hands off those chicken nuggets. We had a wonderful time spending the day with you at preschool!

new baby excitement and anxiety

Well Madeline, you've already been through this once before and know what to somewhat expect when a new little baby arrives into the family. I just figured out why you've been so much more sensitive and attached to me these past two weeks, just about the same time we took the crib out to be set up in your room. You are so thrilled that this baby is coming and when people ask what the sex is you politely say, "We'll love it if it's a girl or a boy." And you were so sweet yesterday morning to tell Grant, "When the baby comes, I'll still love you AND I'll love the baby." How reassuring your words were, probably more comforting for you than anyone else. It makes me smile to know that you have been listening to our repetitive words and that although they may not make complete sense in your heart you are allowing them to penetrate your mind. You're quite uncertain about what your new position will be in the family once this little baby arrives. You asked me, "You're going to love the baby more than you love Grant and me?" I tried my best to explain that Jesus makes mommies' hearts to love all of their children, even though they are loved for their uniqueness. Daddy suggested that I set aside "special time" to spend with you at different times during the week, so that you would have my full attention and be assured of your place in my heart. I took his advice and boy was he right! Today we had "special time" together, coloring and crafting a Love Money Jar for Christmas, to pick whatever charity we want to donate to. You loved the idea that our money was going to go to other children who don't have the toys, clothes and warmth that we have. And then when we finished you drew me a picture with several lines on it to look like handwriting, explaining how much you love me because of our special time together. I only hope that you will never doubt throughout your life how much you truly mean to me. I keep thinking about how quickly the time has gone and yet, I can't even imagine you being a teenager or adult. No matter what changes may come in both of our lives, my love for you will only grow deeper and stronger; even when we don't agree and you decide to go your own way, I will always love you.

You are only 4 years old now, and this is a major life change for you. You don't realize how strong you are and how supportive you lend yourself to your brother in spite of your own doubts and uncertainties. I'm so proud of you and hope that my daily actions will convey just that.

Grant's favorite books!

We recently began reading to you just before nap and bed time. It's amazing that you never showed much interest in books until we actually sat down with you and walked through each picture filled page with you. Your favorite book with me (mommy) is Blue Hat, Green Hat and when we get to the "Oops" part you make your voice go up too! I know that you're enjoying this new activity together because you even want me to read to you while changing your diaper - something I'm not sure I'll ever master, but it's worth trying to be creative with it.

your new phrase

"I just have to get the cries out, Mom!"

After I hear this sentence, I anticipate a flood of tears and the need for lovies. I think it's wonderful that you are able to say what you need. I hope that I will be able to meet those needs for you, not just now but when you're an independent adult woman with a family of your own and you need to "get the cries out."

recent book favorites

Oh, Madeline! Do you love your books or what? Here are the two latest books that you can't get enough reading time for.

Mrs. Wow Never Wanted A Cow

and

Not Afraid of Dogs






I believe you enjoy the rhythm and rhyme of the Mrs. Wow book, and I definitely understand your ability to relate to the dog book. You think animals are cute--at a distance. This book really seems to validate your feelings about dogs, that it's okay to be afraid of them and when you're ready you'll decide if you want to be around them.

first halloween together

 
Beauty and the Beast

Remembering back to last year, Grant was too little to make the trick-or-treat rounds with us. But this year, Daddy pulled you both along in the radio flyer wagon and you both got out at each house, rapped on the door and patiently waited for the loads of candy. Grant even tried to go inside one of the houses and was very much attempting to say "trick or treat" and "thank you" as he followed closely behind Madeline and her cues. He did say "DIE" which means "bye" in Grant language. Very fun and memorable...always goes by too quickly!

big mama!

 

What a HUGE belly - 8 1/2 months and shocked that we're already so close. We still don't really have names picked out but definitely some good ones on the table. This little one is quite the mover and shaker, definitely more active than I remember Madeline or Grant being. Praise the Lord that although I've been battling gestational diabetes the entire pregnancy, I have not yet had a shot of insulin. Only a few weeks left, and then our little family will be welcoming this wonderful miracle. Not looking forward to the lack of sleep, but I've been definitely daydreaming about holding and studying this beautiful baby of mine soon to arrive.

pumpkin time

Madeline and Daddy decorate the "princess pumpkin" together...."No, Daddy, fix the crown this way."



Grant is hardly interested in decorating a pumpkin or anything else...eating is much more enjoyable!



The princess pumpkin is ready to be shown off!

a fall day, my kids' way

 

Me: "Maddie, why don't you throw the leaves up in the air and watch them come down like rain?"

Maddie: "No, I just want to throw them at Grant."

Grant just stands there, wondering why in the world his big sister keeps throwing leaves right in his face, but he enjoys it anyway.

crazy hair night

You weren't sure what crazy hair night at AWANA meant, but you really got into the spirit once you saw that crazy hair could also include pretty princess hair accessories!

Grant's 1/2 birthday celebration!

 

Your big sister was very excited to decorate your 1/2 birthday cupcakes. We felt so bad for you, fighting a horrible ear infection and teething woes, but you mustered up enough energy to wolf down your sister's almost world famous cupcakes.

It's hard to believe that one year ago - at the wee little age of 6 months - you were barely sitting up, still unable to do much by and for yourself. I look back at the pictures and am amazed at how much you've transformed since you joined us a year and a half ago.

During my labor with you, your Oma and Nana were in the room cheering you on right along side your daddy, just waiting for you to finally arrive. One of my most favorite memories after your birth was just being in the room with you and Daddy, watching him hold and stare at you, amazed that you were the one we'd been waiting and praying for. We had a difficult time conceiving you, but that's because it was me trying to control the timing of your arrival. If I had gotten pregnant any other time, you would not be my Grant. I was so blessed to finally meet you, and to now have a son. I felt a little uncertain of being the mommy of a little boy, simply because I had been surrounded by sass and girliness for 2 1/2 years before you arrived. But I loved watching your miracle life before my eyes.

You were so tiny, so quiet and a great sleeper! You slept 8 hours two nights in a row when you were just a week old. I called the pediatrician to see if I should be waking you up to feed you at night and the nurse there said she'd never even heard of a newborn sleeping that long. You were a lover baby, always snuggling and nestling close to me. Having a boy is such a different bonding experience, unique and blessed in a sweet way.

The time flew by (as all moms know) and soon you were smiling, cooing, holding your head up and resting on your belly. You've always had sort of a cotemplative look in your eyes, not one to easily respond to strangers or even relatives you're not very familiar with. Your mind always seems to be observing and taking in life around you, like a sponge.

I remember watching you scoot around the room backwards while in Makawao, cheering you on to crawl. I also remember that trip, watching you begin to respond with great chuckles while being entertained by your big sister. Once we returned home, you began crawling when you were ready. Such a characteristic phrase of your personality...you are not one to be rushed or pushed into anything (just like your daddy, I might add, and a very noble quality at that). You have always taken your time to do things and will not be persuaded otherwise (sometimes a challenge when it's necessary for you to be persuaded, but still a good quality to have a strong mind). I think back to when you turned 1 and we kept trying to get you to walk. And you just weren't ready, until....Father's Day. We had spent the day with family and then returned home, playing and laughing together just the four of us. And suddenly you decided that it was the day to walk - what joy to watch you and to celebrate Father's Day watching you proudly walk back and forth between Daddy and me.

This summer we traveled to Hawaii with you and came back with a more grown up little boy, no longer babyish in features or actions. Very much an independent toddler, making his mark on the world around him. You LOVE the ocean and the vastness of the sandy beaches. You could dig, explore and play in the water all day long. You ran toward the water as though you had been a swimmer your entire life. We had to chase after you to make sure you didn't swim away! You also began responding more to us using ASL, which was exciting to watch you make the connection between the signs and our response to you.

Another aspect that I have enjoyed watching is your bend toward the men in the family. When Daddy gets home, you immediately run toward him. When you see your Papa Henry, you immediately pull away from Gigi and run toward him saying "Pa-Pa." I wonder if you get so excited to see Daddy, knowing that finally there is another male in the house after you've been outnumbered all day.

But recently, in the last several weeks, I've noticed you grow fonder of cuddling up to me again, just like when you were a little baby. You run up and hug me, smile and flirt with your little eyes at me, and really make efforts to communicate with me, either with ASL or your little "Grant language." I love it more than you'll ever know. You still don't call me Mommy or Mama, but I strongly believe you think Daddy and I are both "Da-Da" because that was your first word and that's all I can ever remember being called by you. Madeline tells me all the time that she has heard you call me "Mama" whenever I'm not around - she has heard me talk about it. I know you love me and are attached to me - I just hope that one day I'll hear the words "Mama" come out of your mouth!

I love watching your hands on approach to everything that crosses your path. You love to touch, experience, feel, listen, watch and try new things every day. I take you and Madeline to the library once a week. She likes to read books online and you head straight for the puzzles and other toys. In fact, you turned the librarian's stool upside down and played with the wheels for a while. I thought that was a wonderful way to spend your time at the library - always looking for an adventure. If we stay in the house too long, you begin to fuss and I then know that I've kept you in too long. And you are such a free bird once I get you outside. I love that about you.

Something that I really cherish in our day together is just before nap and bedtime. We sit and read a book or two together; then I hand blue buddy to you and after you finally get cozy, I lay you across the top of my growing belly and we sing Old MacDonald. You think that is the most wonderful song in the world. EEE-III-OHHHH! is what you say and then you sit and listen in anticipation as to what animals I'll sing about this time. When I say lion, you say "Rahhhh"; when I say dog, you say "fff, fff"; when I say kitty, you're still not sure but once you're reminded you say, "ouwwww"; and yesterday at the library, you spontaneously said, "cack, cack" for duck...You amazed me!

Here are some other words in your current vocabulary, that keeps growing each day: Dada, Papa, Oma (I heard you say it just the other day), Nana, Gigi; you do ASL for Milk, More, Bird, Airplane, All Finished, Eat (and you point to your mouth and say "EEE"); you love shaking your head "NO" just to make Madeline and I laugh!

The harder moments come as you are trying to become more independent and assert your will against mine. I desire for you to have more independence, but the challenge comes when you throw tantrums and I'm unable to reason with you, well, because you're still just one! But we've been working out new ways to show you concretely that screaming and kicking are not okay. When we ask you if you're all finished with your tantrum, sometimes you stop and sometimes you stand up and smile as if to say, "I'm ready to rejoin you." I enjoy seeing you understand the relationship between behaviors and responses. As much as I can't wait to be able to reason with you, I am enjoying many aspects of your 18-month-old life that I'll never be able to experience again and so I hold onto it tightly, hoping I'll never forget these moments.

I love having you for my son. Eighteen months have flown by and I love who you are and watching you grow and change every moment. I thank the Lord that He placed us together.

lazy days

 

my outdoor adventurer

You cannot get enough time outside, exploring your environment. You are constantly looking up and around to see what catches your little eye. And nothing satisfies your exploring spirit...you always want to look for more. Hearing jets fly above, you point and follow it until it disappears. You've also begun doing ASL for "airplane." You are also proud of knowing ASL for "bird" and get excited when you get my attention and show me all the birds you see. I watch you study things that are so new and fresh, things that I take for granted. Like hearing a dog bark. You say "fff, fff" and look around, trying to find that dog! On this day, your big sister was sick and we played outside together, both sick with cabin fever. Ready to explore our backyard in a new way.

 
 
 
 

visit to great-grandma's house

 

We rarely get to see her, but she adores both of you. Our visits fly by while Madeline hides from Clifford the dog and Grant seeks out all the untouchable items. She is my Grandma Squeeze, simply because I could not pronounce her name Louise as a little girl. She absolutely hates the way she looks in pictures, but this one was so adorable I couldn't resist. She even had to admit that she sort-of liked it. My only regret is that we don't see her often enough. But I like to watch her analyze both of you and give me her take on who will be doing what in the future. Fun memories. Always hard to say goodbye.

remembering Grandma Ruby

It's hard to believe that she died three years ago. How is that possible? I've realized since she passed that I don't grieve in the same way that I watch others around me. My grief process is very quiet and private, hardly emotional at all. I think and think and think about her, watching and reliving certain situations play out in my mind. My heart misses her, but my mind allows her to live on in other ways. I wish that she could see both of you now. She never even knew you, Grant, but would just adore you. And I can see her in my mind's eye, laughing at the many one-liners you blurt out, Madeline. She used to cover her mouth, close her eyes and her entire body would shake with laughter. That's the Grandma Ruby I remember. That's the one I want to remember.

This is the weekend we took as a family to honor her memory, first on her birthday
October 11th and then on her passing October 13th.












Madeline likes pointing to my shirt and slowly saying, "SAVE THE TA-TAS...Mom, what are Ta-tas?" (we've already gone over this before, Maddie!)