The last month has proven to be quite different in many ways. Welcoming little Evan has been another blessing in our growing household. When I called Madeline from the hospital to tell her "what" we had, she responded in shock with, "Another brother?" But when she saw him through the glass at the hospital, I kept hearing her say over and over again, "He is SO cute! He is SO CUTE!" Grant had an amazed look on his face, too, just staring at the tiny baby and pointing through the glass as if to ask, "What IS that?"
Coming home has been such a blessing. With live-in help for several days from Nana and Oma, my new role as mommy of three hasn't had any of the real challenges I've heard of. And having little Evan so close to Christmas has made our time together even more special. Having him has forced me to slow down and e.n.j.o.y the season and the priceless moments with my children. After a few days of being home, I watched Grant "discover" his new baby brother, walked over to him and touched him gently (in his toddler way) and kissed him. Later he said, "Bayybee" even though he still laughs at me when I ask him to say mommy.
Another sweet incident happened the other night as I was nursing Evan on the rocking chair. Grant came up to him and put his arms around him, trying to hold him by himself. I helped Grant carry Evan and followed his lead. Grant so badly wanted to carry the baby by himself, as he kept trying to move my hands away from helping him. But he led us to the changing pad on the couch and so I placed Evan there and waited. Grant climbed up on the couch and then laid on the changing pad right next to Evan. What a sweet moment to watch and experience. My big boy embracing my little boy.
Something else I've noticed with Grant in particular is that he has been more affectionate toward me since the weeks that led up to Evan's arrival and now even more since Evan's birth. And Grant seems to be making more efforts at communicating with us, and showing more of his sense of humor and personality. Yes there have been more tantrums, but that's to be expected at this age anyway. There's also more of an awareness of himself and how he relates to and interacts with all of us around him. Very fun watching him grow and develop, this mini man.
I have observed Madeline grow up overnight while hardly being able to contain the love she has for this baby boy. She tells me, "We are just falling in love with each other" (referring to her newfound love Evan). She also asks to hold him and calls him her "little star sweeper" and her "sweetheart." I love watching her very motherly instincts kick in. What a blessing that in spite of the mistakes I often make with her, she has a very loving and compassionate heart. It's also been wonderful to watch her reach out to Grant in a different way. Because I'm more involved with Evan and less available to both of them during these early weeks, they have found more comfort and play time with each other. Not to say that the sibling rivalry has ended - we haven't been so lucky - but at least it's taken a little shift in the other direction.
Having a baby does things to me, makes me feel idealistic again about parenting and the possibilities of motherhood. It gives me a sort of rejuvenating feeling inside, reminding me of how dependent these little ones are, and still vulnerable in so many ways, even though they are more growing more independent of me every day. They still need me and still learn from me, even those things I wish they wouldn't pick up. I feel a new energy (maybe it's the adrenaline due to my lack of sleep), but I'm thankful for it. It reminds me of the excitement of being a mom, even during those not-so-exciting moments.
I'm also reminded of my total depravity apart from the Lord. I cannot do this job on my own, but it is an appointed job from the very Creator of this universe, the very Creator of my own life and the lives of my children. He chose ME to be their mom, but more importantly, He chose me to know Him intimately. The only way that I can know Him with such intimacy is to hold onto Him with everything I have every moment of every day - happy, sad, fun, hilarious, angry, frustrated, tired and satisfied. They are all moments that He allows and uses for my growth and development, and my deeper reliance on Him.
Madeline, Grant and Evan - you don't even know the depth of my love for you, such gifts from the Lord.
Giving birth and expanding our family also draws me closer to Nathan. With each child and each experience together with that child, I feel even more deeply connected with him, as though we are even more complete as a family and as a
married couple. It's difficult to put into words, except to say that he is the only one I want to go through life with. Our kids run to greet him when he gets home and they wrestle and laugh with him until it's time for bed. He makes so many sacrifices for us, and yet he bathes us in his humble love and servanthood. I love you so much, sweetie! Thank you for traveling this marvelous journey with me every single day.
