happy 1/2 birthday, sweet madeline!

Just look at that radiant smile!  Looking at you reminds me of how blessed we are to have you in our life!  Right now, I am watching you grow and change before my eyes with mixed emotions.  Excited for the little girl you are with your contagious giggles and lovely heart, but sad at how quickly the time is passing me by.  Some of the things I'm watching you do right now include:  learning to assert yourself with others by setting boundaries when you feel hurt or have your space invaded; growing in your love of reading books and learning about new things; developing your love for art and music while you continue taking classes in both; dancing in the delight of your imagination by playing for hours in your room with your dolls because you say you don't feel lonely in your room with all your dolls surrounding you; watching you swing outside by yourself, singing and playing in your imagination while taking a walk in your "secret garden"; laughing to myself while listening to you "talk" on your play cell phone and carry it with you wherever we go, carrying on conversations with people that I've never heard of and imaginary friends I'll never actually meet.

I'm realizing that there will be times when you won't want me as close or you won't want to share your best and worst moments with me and that I need to stop more often, look at you and tell you just how much I love you.  Even more, I need to speak your love language more often:  quality time is what you desire most.

I love you, sweet child.

belly shot - 21 weeks

It is such a delight to watch Madeline fuss over the baby, now knowing that it's a girl.  She's constantly asking me how "baby love" (that's the nickname we picked for her) is doing, while rubbing and hugging my belly.  Even Grant and Evan have been showing interest in mom's big belly!  Grant says that he will take care of and feed the baby for me; Evan watches me drink chocolate protein drinks and asks for some.  When I tell him it's for the baby (because I don't want to share!) he says, "I have a baby too....can I have a drink of your soda?"

I've started the insulin shots and packing on the weight, which was really getting me down.  I realized that it's a lack of control over my food.  I HAVE to eat a certain amount of food, every three hours, prick my finger to check my blood sugar, and give myself insulin shots which force me to eat more carbohydrates which cause me to gain more weight.  Then I remembered:  This is my last pregnancy.  I am supposed to be round and chubby, and I want to enjoy every last minute of my last experience of carrying a child in my womb.  The days just fly by so quickly and I forget that I'm pregnant until I feel a cute little wiggle inside of me and smile at the thought of another baby, another life inside of me.

I'm reminding myself to enjoy each moment.  I'll never get them back and I don't know if I'll have them tomorrow.

adversary or advocate parent?

I read this blog post from Sally Clarkson regarding adversarial vs. advocate parenting and it has been weighing heavily upon my heart.   My normal response would be to focus on my negative parenting habits, beat myself up for a few days, fall into a depression, be a "better" parent for another few days, blow it with the kids again, and return to my old ways but feeling even more defeated as a parent.  But yesterday as I allowed my mind to review parts of this article, I asked the Lord, "If this is something you want me to improve, you need to show me the way.  I have no idea how to parent."  The last two weeks I have felt the Lord calling me to a different approach with my kids.  This may be the first step.