I love moments like these... 

what static? 

Does anyone eat a double chocolate muffin more beautifully than this? 

Nana, Poppy, Uncle Brian and Uncle Robert joined us for our annual Christmas walk...and Santa showed up, too! 

This is one of their favorite games to play - Nathan jumps over her and when it finally impacts her, she goes flying in the air! 

Here is a picture of me at 17 weeks...now I'm 19 1/2 weeks...almost half way there! 

Madeline's Sweet Blessed Assurance

Madeline enjoys singing this hymn together, ever since she returned from having her Nana sing it to her every night. Yesterday we took turns singing different parts of the song. After I sang "Born of His goodness," she chimed in, "Washed in His BLUFF!"

Blown Away

Madeline woke up today and decided that she wanted to try potty training again. No, she did not walk up to me and use those exact words, but she very clearly asked if she could wear her "big girl underwear." With only one accident this morning, she has gone all by herself three times - wahoo!! I'll continue to let her take the lead on this, but I'm not quite sure how to handle going about our regular outings...we'll have to just see as each one comes. I remember wondering where all of this came from, and the Lord reminded me that I asked Him to help me in preparing to potty train her again before the baby comes...for me it was a just a passive prayer, but the Lord answered me literally. Two things I learned today: Madeline just proves over and again how much she blossoms when she does things in her own time, and no matter what becomes of all this, the Lord heard and answered even my small prayer.

Googly-eyed Grandparents

Madeline went to Nana and Poppy's house for the weekend, while Nathan and I traveled up north to Solvang for a sweet getaway. I'm so amazed at how much grandparents just ooh and aah over our little girl. When we first arrived to pick her up, the entire Kirk household told one Maddie story after another, just dying to see our response to all of her cute antics. And all afternoon, they continued to just feed off her energy and desire for more play time, even though they admitted feeling a bit tired out from the weekend. And as we prepared to return home, my dad smiled at me and said, "So is she coming back next weekend?" I think he was only half-kidding.

I Love My Life

Madeline and I had a fun morning together. She began the day coloring with markers while I made breakfast. Then we headed out for our daily walk together, where she pointed out "Mommy, look at trees! Another tree!" Then we visited Nathan at work and it was so cute because he just beamed when we walked through the door and she said, "Hi, Daddy!" He set up two desk chairs for her to stand on and draw on the chalk board. He proudly drew whatever she wanted and seemed to be lost in another world with her. She soon informed me that she was tired and wanted to "go bed." But we had one more stop - GiGi Nana's house! Madeline just entertained Gigi and Debbie with all her cute phrases and acrobat tricks. Then we came home to take a leisure nap. She rubbed MY back and sang blessed assurance, and then kissed me a hundred times before saying, "Good night, Mommy." And it's barely 1pm...I love days like today.

Blessed Assurance

After staying with my mom and dad for a week, Maddie became accustomed to having her Nana sing "Blessed Assurance" and "Amazing Grace" before bed every night. I've continued this new tradition and she asks me to sing them over and over again before falling asleep. The other night I was singing to her and rubbing her back. She told me she wanted to rub my back and then asked, "Maddie sing to you?" And with that she began singing, "Blessed Assurance Jesus is Mine...Fore-taste Glory Deeviiiine," all the while stroking my back and the side of my face. I think I completely melted right then and there...

Zeke decides he wants to play a new game now... 

Hi Mommy! I'm taking good care of baby Zeke! 

Smile, Zeke...pretend like you're having fun... 

Maddie gives Zeke lovies...xxoo 

Parenting Book

For the next 30 days, I'm asking the Lord to be my "parenting book" to guide me in all my thoughts, words, actions and reactions with regard to Madeline. I have poured over so many parenting books with advice on how to parent this way or that, and I believe that I've picked up some helpful tips and techniques. But what would happen if I just opened myself to receive direct wisdom, understanding, answers and guidance each day without consulting any other resource? Of course this might seem obvious, especially to other Christian parents. But do we truly rely solely on the Lord for wisdom in raising our children? Being in the midst of everyday situations can easily distract me and drive me to look in all my books for answers. I can only take this new venture day by day, but I'm expecting amazing results.

what an adorable heffalump - she loved wearing this costume and walked with her back straight to make sure the heffalump's head didn't fall down. 

she delighted herself in a delicious, chocolate cupcake and couldn't stop smiling the rest of the day! 

here she sits proudly with her daddy and her pumpkins (she picked out the small one all by herself). 

Here we are at her luau birthday party - so hard to believe that she's already 2 and actually wants to act and think for herself! 

at her birthday party - just enjoying a moment under the tree with a lollipop...does life get any more enjoyable than this? 

Here she is eating an entire bag of cotton candy and getting some shade from the unbelievable heat that day at the fair. 

Daddy tickles Madeline at the LA County Fair...I can still hear her saying, "More, Daddy!" 

Meet our newest member of the family. Being only the size of an avocado, we already feel connected to this new little life that will be arriving in early May 2006. Madeline proudly calls herself "big sister" and frequently tickles the baby through my belly! 

Amazing Memory

What exactly goes through a 2 year old's mind, besides wanting lots of cookies and wanting her "poopies" changed? It would be very interesting to know exactly how and what they process knowing all their minds are exposed to each day. I was amazed to come home last night and talk with my mother-in-law after she had watched Madeline for the evening. Debbie explained that out of the clear blue Madeline told her, "Gigi Ruby is in heaven with Jesus." Gigi Ruby is my grandma who passed away a little over a year ago, and while my mom and I do talk about her to Madeline to keep her memory alive, she would have no reason to talk about it with my mother-in-law...except that the thought had been on her mind. And what even triggered that thought? I am just blown away by the way her little mind functions so brilliantly. Of course more than anything, it touched my heart knowing that she is responding to my attempts to keep my grandma's memory alive.

Living Tape Recorder

Okay...so I'm trying to get Madeline ready for bed and I'm explaining all that we're going to do (ie., read books, stop jumping on the bed, etc.) and she looks right up at me and asks, "What you talking about?" And from then on, everything we did she asked that same question. I can guess where she got that phrase from, but how is it that she is already so brilliant in her timing and delivery? I love this kid!

Sickness Brings Compassion

Madeline has been sick for 2 1/2 weeks now...absolutely unbelievable. And her symptoms have continued to change over those two weeks. She's finally starting to feel better, but still isn't completely herself yet. The other night I realized how much she has been through - coughing until she vomits, inability to breathe through her nose, exhaustion, fever, sleeplessness, stomach aches, unending sneezing and nose drips (and nose wipes, for that matter) - that is a LOT for a 2 year old to have to endure, especially not having the words to describe all of her symptoms and pain. I was mulling this over and felt an overwhelming sense of compassion toward her and instead of feeling frustrated because we were about to embark upon yet another sleepless night, I wanted to serve her the best way I could. I wanted her to know how much I love her and desire to care for her needs. I didn't want her to feel bad that mommy is so tired and grouchy because of her illness. It really changed my perspective in how I addressed her ongoing symptoms and in turn, it changed her response toward me. Of course I have felt sorry for her prolonged illness, but there were days that I focused too much on how exhausted I was. I was reminded of what a wonderful little girl I have and how I desire for her to know that I love her and want to be there for her even though I'm absolutely worn out. I hope that is the message she has been getting in the last few days. In fact, I'm positive this is the message she's been getting because I have been the recipient of more lovies and kisses from her than I can remember since this illness struck her down.

Zoo - Toddler Style

Madeline and I strolled downtown right into the pet store (per her request). We stayed in there for a good twenty minutes while she tickled the kittens and giggled at them kissing her fingers. She led me to the parrots and stood watching them as they spoke seemingly important information and when she became bored of them, she moved back toward the kittens. We had so much fun interacting with those animals and it didn't cost us a thing. In fact, Madeline has been there several times before and enjoys the close interaction and the feeling that she is much larger than they are. Support toddler style zoos - visit your local pet shop (and you don't even have to bring a stroller, a diaper bag or lunch money)!

Sunday Slaps in the Face

Why is it that some Sundays I dread going to church and on other Sundays I'm so glad I went? Today I woke up feeling ready for church. Granted, we have not been to church in 4 weeks (for vacation and illness, so justified in my book) and today I found the sermon was very convicting. Nathan and I even talked about it afterward about how it affected us. Then, there are the OTHER Sundays...the ones where I barely make it out of bed and into the shower with enough time to get ready and I'm grouchy during the entire 3-minute car ride because I find it pointless to even attend church. As I'm writing this now, I remember that it has been a long time since I've desired to be in fellowship at church - why was today very different for me? I think I know the answer (besides the fact that I woke up in a good mood, which is always a bonus): I experienced fellowship with some ladies from my church yesterday and I felt excited to go today because I felt extra connected. We didn't discuss life changing topics or set out to change the world - we just talked about every day life things and it felt good to be in fellowship. I believe that fellowship in turn fosters accountability and a desire to be in more fellowship with other believers, even when I'd rather stay in my jammies and read all day.

Mommy Play Dates

I volunteered some time today to help raise money for homeless mothers and their children. I took my Princess House display and had everything neatly organized, hoping but not expecting any business. I usually don't make any money at these "boutiques" but it's for a greater cause. One thing I did bring home were some new connections with other women from my church. We have been attending the church for over a year now and still haven't felt too connected even though we enjoy the friendliness of the church as a whole. But I walked away having spent time with sweet, down-to-earth women who are not necessarily in my same stage of life, but who are just enjoyable to be around because they are women with small businesses just like me. I've been wanting more Christian friends, other young moms who I can relate to with my daily situations. I felt blessed and encouraged by this volunteer day, whether or not any money came in, because I had experienced uninterrupted mommy time....much needed, by the way.

Overwhelming Cuteness!

Madeline just surprises me more and more each day - from what she knows and understands to what she observes and mimicks. The other morning she woke up before 6am. I said to her, "My goodness, Madeline, we are up so early!" With perfect tonation in her voice she responded sarcastically, "Yeah, well..." Nathan and I just looked at each other and laughed out loud, wondering where this little adult came from! The more I thought about it I realized that I use that same phrase all the time, not even noticing that she has picked up on my useless phrases. It's humbling to look at your child and literally right into a mirror.

Organization

I'm in a constant struggle of what I should be doing versus what I want to be doing with my time. I recently finished the book "More Hours in My Day" by Emilie Barnes. She has great ideas and simple plans for getting and staying organized. While reading it, I couldn't put down my highlighter - everything made sense to me and I felt confident in my ability to follow her guidelines. Sometimes I read these parenting books and feel so inadequate. I'm ready to get started on my new organization project, but just as soon as I find her book in my disastrous office!

Grief and Grace

As my family and I near the one year anniversary of my grandmother's passing, someone reminded me that this week could be extra difficult and that I should give myself an extra dose of grace. She asked me, "What is grace to you?" I was stumped to answer because we use the word so frequently that I was struggling to find the words to describe it. I eventually blurted out something like, "Giving myself the freedom to feel and experience whatever may come." Grieving has been a very interesting journey for me, not knowing what I'm supposed to feel or wondering if I feel anything at all, while watching my loved ones grieve in their own ways. There are days when I have felt guilty for not thinking of her at all, while other times I've felt saddened remembering her last days, and yet still smiling because of all the ways she brought joy to my life. One thing that I find myself frequently saying is, "Grandma would have loved this/that about Madeline." I can even envision her watching Madeline's present actions and laughing out loud at her boisterous and spirited acts. I've also heard that the second year of grieving can be even harder than the first - I just hope that this numbness will eventually wear off. I know she's really gone, but somehow can't allow my heart and mind to accept the new reality.

those darn shots!

I took Madeline to the doctor this morning (which she absolutely hates, until she gets her lollipop on the way out) for her two year old check-up. She was measured at 33 1/2 inches tall and 25 3/4 lbs. She is in perfect health all the way around, which is always nice to hear. And the doctor is very pleased with her verbal and other developmental skills. The worst part was having to hold her tight while she got a shot. Plus they sent us down the hall to the lab to get her blood drawn, which was a nightmare because they couldn't find her vein! I felt so terrible, almost crying myself, as she screamed and cried in my arms and all I could do was empathize with her pain, letting her know that I knew it hurt and it was almost finished. On the way home, she was calmly licking both of her lollipops (one for each battle wound) and said, "Shot hurt...Mommy lovies." She was recalling the experience to me with such simple words, but they meant the world to me, knowing that even though she experienced great pain she also acknowledged that I was there comforting her. I hate those darn shots, but at least Maddie doesn't hate me for helping the nurse give them to her.

Two Years Ago

Yesterday we celebrated the second year of Madeline's life. She and I began the day with "special breakfast" as she calls it and then went to get portraits taken of her beautiful face. I bribed her to smile for the pictures by offering her a fabulously large cookie at Nordstrom. I just stared at her as she chomped on her cookie and drank her milk, remembering how tiny she was and how much she has grown. And even more than that, how quickly the time keeps passing us by. We celebrated her life with a pasta dinner and a peanut butter and chocolate birthday cake - she loved it! Poor Nathan had to go to work last night, but Maddie and I made the best of it. We just played outside together, taking bark off the tree and throwing a ball back and forth. Her blonde hair almost looked like a shining white as the sun surrounded her little silhouette. I remember thinking as we played that these are the moments to invest my time in - not washing dishes, folding clothes, making calls, dusting, etc. etc. Those things will eventually get done, but my daughter longs for special time - carefree time - with me, without the chores and cares of life interrupting our bonding time. Thank you, Lord, for reminding me of such a simple concept, simple but easy to forget in all that MUST be done! Well, I am now off to the library for story time - Maddie loves her books!

Meltdown

Do other mothers have meltdowns in front of their children? Some days it just seems that everything happens perfectly - I wake up rested, my daughter obeys (the first time), I accomplish everything on my list, I make a great dinner for my husband, and I have time in the evening for myself. Then there are the other days...days like today. I woke up tired and tirelessly rushed to get myself and Madeline ready to leave for a toddler class (which is supposed to be fun, but sometimes it's so stressful just getting there), she had a tantrum at the toddler play class, then another tantrum at the great-grandparents' house, and then a nap. The nap was great, but was followed by other screams as I had to clean her messy diaper that gave her a horrible rash. As I tried to calm her she only became more upset. So I walked into the other room, and had my own meltdown. The look on her face analyzed me as if to say, "What's wrong with you?"

Why do we have days like these? And do our meltdowns make our children look at us and confirm their beliefs that we do belong in the crazy house?

Signing Time

If your toddler is at least a year old, then you will not want to miss out on this wonderful series by Rachel de Azevedo Coleman and Emilie de Azevedo Brown, two sisters who created Signing Time to help all young children learn how to communicate using basic ASL signs. At this tender age, our children are desiring to communicate with us clearly, yet they don't yet have the words which can often cause frustration on both sides. With the Signing Time series, young toddlers are taught basic words like milk, mommy, daddy, water, etc. Each new DVD presents new words based on other themes like "Favorite Things" and "ABC Signs." This series is made for children with special needs, as well as for hearing children. Our daughter began watching this series when she turned one and we have now collected the first six volumes. It's interesting to watch her even now as she approaches her second birthday, when she really wants to make a point to us about something, she reverts back to using the sign language to ensure our understanding of her needs. And when she was about 18 months, she could say all of her ABC's to me while I signed each letter to her - it's absolutely wonderful to watch her brain process such an advanced concept! It's a fabulous investment for your own children or grandchildren and we've begun giving different DVDs as gifts for our friends with young families. Visit the Signing Time website and preview all their wonderful products!

Avon Breast Cancer Walk - Part 2

Well, what an exciting event! My mom and aunt walked the entire 26-mile fundraising event and reportedly finished off just as strongly as they started. Now they want all the women in our family to participate every year. This event reportedly raised about $3 million dollars to go toward breast cancer research - wow! I can imagine that if Grandma were still here, she would have been sitting proudly on the sidelines cheering on her two sassy girls. I hope the Lord allowed her a glimpse of the joy it brought them to honor her in such a tangible way.

Mommy Lay With You?

Madeline sweetly asked me this question tonight as she prepared herself to go to sleep. She frequently asks this of my husband and myself almost every night. She and I frequently rest in her "big girl bed" until she falls asleep. But tonight was different. Usually I'm having to tell her to lie down on her pillow, close her eyes, no more talking till tomorrow, etc. And tonight she wanted to stay up longer, but only so that she could love on me. She started with kisses and hugs, and couldn't stop giving them. Then, she sat up and said, "Thank you...breakfast...mama." I said, "You're welcome for breakfast, Maddie!" Then she proceeded to thank me for her Maria's shirt, her apples and cheese, her sheets and everything else she could think of. Then she resumed her hugs and kisses...As I lay there I thought to myself, "I'm going to miss these moments someday, but I'm sure loving them right now." She then laid down next to me and said, "Mommy close eyes." When I opened them again, she was staring at me and I wondered what she was thinking about her mommy. I felt as though I could see her brain process my presence - she then closed her eyes and fell asleep. As I quietly got up from her little bed she opened her eyes once more and said, "Good-night, Mommy" and went back to sleep.

The Magnificent Doll Store

She is absolutely adorable and yet it is so hard to watch her grow up. Her "Gigi" (great-grandmother) took her to a doll store to pick out any doll she wanted. Gigi told me that when they arrived at the store, Madeline had picked up a couple of dolls and walked around with them but eventually laid them back down. But when she came to "the one" she picked up the baby doll and rocked her back and forth in her arms. Gigi said once she started rocking the doll, she and the store owner knew this was the baby for her. This little doll has brown hair and brown eyes and is wearing, of course, all pink (Maddie's favorite color)! And they also brought home a lovely little baby buggy in brown wicker, very sweet and old fashioned, and the legs even creek a bit when it's pushed. What a lovely day they spent together. I am so blessed that Madeline is able to share such wonderful memories with her grandparents and great-grandparents. So much of me doesn't want to miss a moment of her and I have to remind myself that everyone else loves being with her too. And after Madeline has grown up and has children of her own, she will have this beautiful doll to pass down and share the story of the wonderful trip to the doll store that I will keep telling her about over again.

Almost Speechless

After seeing all the unbelievable images of the hurricane Katrina, I can't help but feel guilty for the trivial matters I often complain about. I also feel so helpless as I stare at the screen of pictures and hear the pain in their voices - I want to help, but there is nothing I can physically do. I just feel grateful for where I am, but at the same time I know that I am not invincible to the disasters of the world which makes me want to appreciate every moment I have with my loved ones. We just never know what tomorrow might bring, so we are called by God to live for today and not focus on what might be.

Lost in the Beautiful Day

Madeline and I ventured out to Descanso Gardens in La Canada Flintridge. What a gorgeous setting tucked away in a beautiful neighborhood. We began the outing with a picnic lunch, just outside the entrance to the Gardens. Then we made our way into lovely flowers paving the roads we walked, with fountains and fish ponds to greet us. Madeline found sticks and rocks to toss about and made a game of hide-and-seek among the trees and a garden gazebo. When we were too hot to walk anymore, we found a bench shaded by a small tree. We drank water and played silly games that are only made up between mommies and their babies. We toured the art gallery at the top of the property and were happily greeted by the two featured artists, sharing their lovely displays. We made our way back to the entrance and Madeline's souvenir is a watering can so that we can take our new found inspiration and cultivate our own little garden at home.

Potty Training - Not so Yippee...

I guess it's true that pride comes before the fall. Madeline has decided that she's not so sure that she wants to go wee-wee on the potty. She even had a small accident in her new big-girl underwear and just kept playing without any fuss. That girl knows how to call my bluff. All that I've read about the topic has indicated that potty training is right when the child has decided it's right for herself. So that's how we're going to approach it. It would be so nice if Madeline would just point to her big girl underwear and say, "Mommy, I want to be potty trained now...no more diapers for this big girl." But then, if she could articulate that well, she'd probably be saying other things I wouldn't be quite ready to hear. I just love her approach to the situation...she has actually turned the tables on me. I keep explaining that when she feels like potty is going to come out to tell me so that we can sit on the big-girl potty. So last night after several attempts to get her to fall asleep she says, "Mommy! Potty!" So I dash into her room, pull her off the bed and run into the bathroom, frantically take off her pull-up and plop her on the potty - "Whew!" I thought, "We just made it." So we sat and sat and sat and finally I asked her, "Do you have to go wee-wee?" She looked at me with bright eyes, smiled and said, "No wee-wee." I felt like a big fat lollipop at that moment, but I didn't want to discourage her from initiating going on the potty in the future. So I continue to learn that although I think I have some of these parenting ventures all figured out - I really don't and only time along with a little experience will help us along. But Madeline sure has me all figured out!

Missing Grandma Ruby

I can't believe that last year at this time we were all preparing for Grandma to live with Auntie. Little did we know that she would only have weeks left. I've been thinking about her a lot lately and couldn't stop journaling about her the other night. I miss so much about her, even her sassiness. She would have gotten a kick out of how much Madeline has grown up since last year. I wish she was still alive so that I could tell her how much I love and miss her in my life.

Potty Training - Yippee!

We have just ventured out in our first day of potty training. Madeline has gone on the "big girl potty" twice today, without any accidents so far. I've been browsing through a few books on the subject and am finding that the most important thing is to find out what is appealing for Madeline to work for and use that as the motivator for getting the desired response. We have been eating lots of salty foods, drinking lots of liquids and rewarding with her favorite goodies. So far, so good. I hope tomorrow is just as promising. Wahoo! - Maddie is on her way to big girl underwear!!

Contentment Now

So many times I find myself anticipitating what the next stage will hold for me in my life, especially in my wife and mother roles. But Nathan reminds me to enjoy the exact moment I am in right now, to soak in every aspect of my life at this present time because it passes so quickly and without return. I enjoy looking forward, but I do try to remind myself that this is a time in my life that will never be again and I never want to forget any of it.

Daddy-Daughter Time

My husband coined this phrase soon after Madeline was born - his very own special time with her. In the beginning of her life, this time would consist of him giving her a bath, taking her for a walk, and even holding her close and talking to her while doing various chores. For someone who grew up with only brothers, Nathan has much insight and a deep love for our little girl. I admire the way he addresses her with calmness and respect, and hearing them laugh together is one of the most beautiful sounds I hear during my busy day. Yesterday he took her to the Huntington Library and did things that I've never even thought of doing. He lit up as he reminded her to share with me about taking her shoes off and letting the fish "bite her toes." Her little eyes were proud and excited of her adventures with Daddy.

Daddy-daughter time...priceless!

Extreme Parenting

I am so sick and tired of hearing about extreme ideas in parenting. The trend today seems to embrace extremism, where parents cling to one idea or another on the pendulum that completely engulfs all of their decision making and ideas about parenting. What ever happened to critical thinking? It seems that people read books for the sake of having someone else think for them and their parenting, which creates these crusaders who are more obsessed with the fact that their parenting style is the "right way" instead of looking at their children and saying, "What is most beneficial to my child?"

I'm also tired of reading other Christians' blogs completely bash and tear down the Ezzo's. Yes, some of their ideas are extreme and totally unrealistic in practice. But who are these to believe themselves the "judge" and actually refer to themselves as "Anti-Ezzo." It's sad and sickening, and paints a sorry picture of judgmentalism and a lack of grace to the secular world.

What ever happened to reading parenting material for the sake of creating an eclectic approach to parenting? Why is it that a person has to agree with everything written by a certain author? We should be using our critical thinking and reasoning skills when picking up any book regarding our relationship with our children. Most of the books I've read present some valid points, and the points I don't agree with, I skim over and ignore. It's come to the point where parenting styles are not open for discussion - it's the new "politics" - we don't talk about it for fear of conflict and more importantly, for fear of being attacked by an extremist.

Focus should be on what is best for my child. My child is a unique individual who has benefited from an array of different approaches and interventions. I do not subscribe to a particular parenting style because my child changes with every stage she enters. I can't remain affixed on one style of parenting just because it feels safe to me...that's not parenting, that's cowardice and ignorance. If I want to remain close and connected to my daughter, I have to meet her where she is and not just cling to a particular idea of parenting just because that's a group I want to identify with.

my best job in the world - being your mommy! 

the Kirk family reunion - a wonderful time in Maui together 

Our boat trip to Molokini...one big happy family (including Jered & Heather)! 

my handsome husband 

Maddie kept us entertained by teaching this mimicking bird every word she knows! 

four generations of Kirk love... 

Maddie and her favorite roomie Christi -- they enjoy lots of lovies together.