still learning

Being a mom is more than I ever imagined...it requires more of myself, places in my heart that I never knew existed. It is what makes me belly laugh out loud and cry so hard that it hurts. It is interwoven in the depths of my soul, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

The last several weeks I have left me exhausted with runny noses, whopping cough, vomit (no need to elaborate on this one), headaches, body aches, sore throats, changing sheets, washing sheets, putting sheets back on, taking them off to wash them again, going to bed, waking up listening to Evan talk/sing/cry for two hours, going back to sleep for a couple of hours, going to the doctor, waiting for an hour while Evan tantrums on the floor, going to the pharmacy, driving Madeline to singing class and wondering how I'm going to entertain two boys for one whole hour, and the list could grow and grow. I can't believe how the days fly by when there's so much going on....so many unplanned events and glitches. Which is just part of life, but so hard for me to adjust to sometimes. On the one hand, I enjoy having spontaneity and those lovely moments that come out of nowhere and on the other hand, I thrive on having a schedule.

I hit a low this week when I realized (once again) that I can't do this by myself. Nathan reminded me that I need to pray and ask the Lord what I'm to be doing each day with these beautiful children He's blessed me with. In fact, I find that my best days consist of me asking Him each moment that I remember, what it is He would have me to do with them. And those are the days I play more, laugh more, stop worrying so much about the house/chores, and just E-N-J-O-Y these moments. I sometimes cry when I see pictures of when Madeline was such a little baby. I miss those days, and it's only been a few years. How much more will I miss them when they are adolescents? I don't want to miss out on today because I am too hung up on details, details, details.

I'm trying to pray more. I'm asking the Lord to show me how to use my time. I don't want to look back on this time with regret, even in the middle of the chaos and sleeplessness. I know it will pass, but I want to pass through each stage with courage and faith in the Lord, a stronger faith than in the previous stage. I recently attended the Wholehearted Mother's conference and one of the things that stood out was how she pursues a daily life of faith with her children. Perfection is not the goal; building children of strong faith in Christ and a desire to walk with Him their whole lives - that is the goal. That is the point of this life. Not to be the perfect mom. But to be their mom, to the best of my ability, and to leave the rest up to the Lord. To believe that He will pick up where I'm unable to go.