questions, doubts, uncertainty

I think sometimes that I question myself and my abilities to parent to my own detriment. I wonder if I'm saying things with the right tone or with the right words, if I'm being too quick to judge or if I'm being too lenient. I was reading through "Winning Spiritual Warfare" by Neil Anderson just the other night, realizing that my thoughts are obsessive when it comes to parenting. Have I gotten that far off that I've become so self-absorbed and obsessed that I'm becoming ineffective in my parenting? And why doesn't Nathan struggle through it the way I do? True, he is not in the trenches with me day after day, but he does deal with his share of battles. He seems to just deal with it and move on. I don't hear other mothers talking so much about their self-doubt as much as I hear about their frustrations with not having down time or difficulty dealing with behavioral problems.

I have definite ideas about parenting and yet, they're ever changing. I want order and obedience, yet I want to show grace and immediate forgiveness. I want to be strict to maintain control - but to what end? And for what benefit? Parenting isn't a science, Nathan has reminded me again and again. But I'm learning that more than control her behavior, I want to form and help mold Madeline's heart.

What does that look like? Not sure...it's a tough, up hill battle sometimes because I often correct her behavior when she has embarrassed me. I'm trying to correct her behavior because she made a bad choice and explain the heart and soul of the issue to her, in three-year-old words of course.

And when will I ever be satisfied that I did my best and the rest is up to her? Oooh...just writing that scares me to death.