one month old 

our newest addition

Grant Henry
24 April 2006
6 lbs. 12 oz. 18 inches

Wrapped around her little finger

Last night, Nathan and I were attempting to finish a movie and Madeline kept calling. "Daddy, come here!" He came back with a smile, explaining that she said, "Good night, Nafan!"

A few minutes later she called him again.
"Daddy, come here!"
"Yes, Madeline?"
"Daddy, you fix my sock?"
"Okay, Daddy will fix your sock. Good night, Madeline."
"Good night, Nafan."

And a few minutes later again, she called.
"Daddy, come here!"
"Yes, Madeline?"
"Daddy, you fix my shirt?"
"Okay, Daddy will fix your shirt."

What a dad! Always went and came back with a smile (and a little chuckle, too)!

my valentine 

So Cute!

Maddie took one of Nathan's books of the shelf and said, "This is my Bible and it tells me so!"

Big Sister Instinct

She is already extremely observant of everything that goes on around her. Now in the middle of my seventh month of pregnancy, I have more physical challenges (and surprises, not always good ones). So, whenever I draw my breath in quickly or hold my belly, Madeline says, "Baby Grant moving!"

Another great Madeline Line

Yesterday, she tells me all the things in the house not to "wee-wee" on...I don't have a clue as to what made her decide to give me such instructions. But the best one on the list was, "Mommy, don't wee-wee on my rooster seat!" (which happens to be her booster seat.)

Belly Laughs

I just could not stop laughing today, at Madeline and her hilarious stories and expressions. And sometimes I think I'm the only one who thinks she's hilarious because I'm with her all day long, but imagine my joy when I saw her make the pediatrician and nurse laugh just as hard as I do. It's not that what she said was so profound, but she speaks with such passion and articulation that she blows people away. They're constantly asking me, "She's only 2?"

And just the other night, she had me in stitches because she and Nathan were playing hide-and-seek. He'd run and hide and she would ask me, "Where Daddy go?" I'd point her in the right direction and she'd say, "I go find her." Yes, she has her gender pronouns mixed up. And hearing her talk about her daddy as a "she" just about threw me into preterm labor. Not so funny to people on the outside, but I love the laughter we share inside our home. It's our private little world, and I enjoy the warmth of the intimacy we share together as a family.

Gestational Diabetes

This term meant little to me until yesterday. Actually, last week I failed my glucose test for the second time and was told that I would need to meet with a nutritionist and diabetes specialist to get educated on the next steps to take to ensure a healthy pregnancy. I thought mainly what it meant was that I had to cut out all sweets - which isn't too horrible with only 11 weeks left. However, I sat through a 4-hour information session where I learned that I have to draw my blood 4 times a day, eat six (very strict) meals a day and keep logs of my blood sugar levels. I was also informed that in order to keep it under control (in other words, not go into pre-term labor), I need to exercise daily, stick to the meal plan and rest much. Those things in and of themselves are not difficult to do, but I just felt completely overwhelmed by all the information and some fear about what that means for my tiny son inside of me. That was probably the hardest part, was wondering if my baby is okay, of which I've been reassured that he is okay because of the strict measures we're taking at this point. I don't even know why I'm blogging about this, except that I need to express what a shock it was. I have to keep reminding myself that the Lord knew all along that this was going to happen and He also knows the outcome of my situation. I have to trust Him, knowing that His unconditional love for me is the only thing that sustains me.

I'm not sad today...I'm happy that this is my wake-up call to the reality of needing to control better what I put into my body, especially being pregnant. The Lord has been gracious to me with both of my pregnancies. Things could be a lot worse. I'm just grateful that I have the opportunity to turn things around right now.

Here and Now

I realized this morning that I want to enjoy every moment with Madeline, whether difficult or delightful. I know that this may not be realistic all the time, but I don't want my own feelings of tiredness or irritability to get in the way of experiencing her in the moment. Nor do I want my concerns for the future or regrets from the past to interfere with the joy I have in spending every day with her. She looks at me and her eyes light up. She gives me "lovies" when I need them most. She watches and learns from me, and I want her to know that I love her beyond words. I want to enjoy her every moment, remembering how excited I was to bring her home from the hospital and how excited I am every morning to wake up and see her smiling face, hearing her soft voice say, "Good morning, Mommy."

Bra already?

I dressed Madeline today in a little red skirt with a white tank top that has spaghetti straps. She admired her outfit in the mirror and said, "This is my bra...I'm just like Mommy" (touching her spaghetti straps).

Silly question

"Mommy lay with you?"

Madeline's favorite question at bedtime.

So after lying with her and listening to her talk and talk about all that was important to her at that moment, I said, "Okay, Madeline. It's time to lie down and stop talking now."

She laughed out loud and said, "No, Mommy! That's a silly question!!"

I didn't even know how to respond, so I just laughed out loud with her.

Thank you, Nana!

Last week I called my mom crying, "Why does Maddie have to throw tantrums?" Her answer was, "Because she's two." What I appreciated most about our conversation was that my mom was proud of the way I handled the tantrums, as I described every gory detail. She said that the tantrums were not a reflection of my parenting, nor should I view them as who won/lost the battle. That statement alone helped me to realize that my job isn't to "win" these tantrum battles, but to be consistent in setting and following through with the boundaries and expectations Nathan and I have established (and continue to establish through trial and error).

But more than that, my mom was willing to drop everything and come to pick up Madeline for a few days. Not because Maddie's a horrible child, but because my mom knows when her own "baby" needs a little help.

She did pick her up the next day, and this little break has been helpful more than she will ever know. I miss Maddie very much and can't wait to see her tomorrow when she returns home from a very fun and memorable weekend with her grandparents and uncles. Thank you for loving Madeline so much to just sweep her away for a few days.



Mom, you really came through in more ways than one and I can't tell you how much it means to hear again that you think I'm a good mom.

This morning, Maddie and I were eating breakfast and she said out of nowhere, "I not beautiful." I responded with all the reasons why she IS beautiful, ending with the fact that Jesus made her to be a beautiful child. She said, "No, I not a child. I'm a beast!"

I think we've been reading too many Disney books.

Menopausal, Schizophrenic Toddler

My mother-in-law has shared with me before about a study done a few years ago, where they compared brain patterns of menopausal women, schizophrenics and toddlers. The results? All three had similar brain patterns...surprising? Not really. It explains a lot of the toddler drama in my house lately.

Memories...

Why is it that with all Madeline's recent life experiences (including jumping on the trampoline, seeing Nemo on ice, eating ice cream with marshmallows, etc.) that she most often recalls the details of her experiences of throwing up in her bed and in Nathan's hands (long story - maybe another blog entry on another day)! We went to the mechanic today and she says, "I throw up in my bed and mommy clean all up." Then, she repeated the same story to the owner who gave us a ride home. She then brought her doll to me and explained that her baby threw up in her hands and said, "Yeh, baby!" and proceeded to clap her hands. I'm guessing that the experience of having the stomach flu was really traumatic and she needs to keep talking herself through it in a sense...she does not forget a single experience. I just hope that the "throw-up" memories will soon be replaced and we can have less nauseating dinner table conversations.

I'll never forget this one...

Madeline has been potty training for the last couple of months, but hasn't quite found the courage to go poopies in the "big girl potty" yet. However, she surprised us the other night by doing her first poopie in the big girl potty - hip hip hooray for Madeline! She called me to the bathroom and pointed, "Look, Mommy--I go poo-poo in the potty...as big as a doggy!"

Maybe gross to some, but so darn cute to me--and hilarious!

No Way Around It

I don't usually pay much attention to bumper stickers, usually because they all say useless things and don't add anything to my life. But yesterday I saw one that grabbed my attention immediately, especially in light of Sanctity of Life day last Sunday...the sticker read:

"If it's not a baby, then you're not pregnant."



How could someone even begin to try to refute that.

Where does she come up with this stuff?

A couple of weeks ago, Nathan watched Madeline walk down our driveway toward the street, holding her purse close. He asked where she was going and she answered simply, "To work." Surprised, he asked where she worked and she answered emphatically, "Starbucks!" He laughed out loud and couldn't wait for me to get home and share the story.

My cousin Jen (who actually does work at Starbucks) was visiting us today, and got a big laugh out of the story. So Jen asked Madeline, "You work at Starbucks?" Maddie nodded and then said, "I make coffee for Daddy."

Big Sister Madeline

We have been trying to prepare Madeline for the arrival of her baby brother in a few short months, while at the same time trying not to make too big a deal too soon before the big event. We've been telling her, "Madeline is going to have a baby brother," to which she replies, "No baby brother--baby sister!" While she likes babies, she prefers that Nathan and I steer clear of them and only admire them from a distance - a very far distance away. She caught me off guard today while at the doctor's office, proudly putting her hands on my belly while explaining to her pediatrician, "Baby Grant in mommy's belly."

Ahoy, Mate-eee!

While grocery shopping the other day, Madeline noticed an elderly man slowly pushing his cart along. She watched him carefully and then noticed the black patch that covered his one eye and she shouted (literally), "Look, Mommy! He's a pirate!" and proceeded not only to repeat herself, but also began pointing at him. I was so thankful that he was now walking behind us as I was slowly dying with every word she spoke (I mean, yelled).

A Cure for the "Terrible Twos"

I was explaining to my dad how Madeline has been having these meltdowns - totally and completely unpredictable, and quite frequent actually. He asked me, "Why do you think they call it the "terrible twos?", he laughed, as if that brought any consolation. In the last few weeks since that conversation, we've had more meltdowns and more making up together. It's been quite a ride. But yesterday Madeline woke up with a cold, and I knew she had no energy to do anything but veg in front of her favorite dvd movies. I suggested that we watch movies of baby Madeline (and decided to kill two birds with one stone by organizing these home videos at the same time). She gladly agreed and was glued the entire time we watched video of her talking, laughing, dancing, clapping and all her other cute antics as a pre-toddler. But what I least expected was my own treat - I felt more compassion toward her and all the hardship that comes with having a sick toddler at home. Watching her as a baby reminded me that she's still little and vulnerable, even though she is much larger and has the ability to talk back. But deep inside, she's still my little baby and it has made nursing her back to health so much more enjoyable.

Terrible twos?? Pull out those home videos of your baby and fall in love all over again!

Nana's Secret to Potty Training

A few weeks ago we visited my parents for my brother's birthday party. We all watched in horror as their 15 year old dog "Binky" relieved himself on their brand new, no more than a month old, carpet. My dad quickly grabbed him up and put him outside, while my mom scolded him with one hand and carpet cleaner in the other. Madeline just watched this scene with wide eyes and asked me what was wrong. I explained that Binky went "wee-wee" on the carpet and Nana made him sit in the naughty chair because he's only supposed to go wee-wee on the potty. With tongue-in-cheek I said, "When you're at Nana's house, no wee-wee on the carpet or Nana will make you sit in the naughty chair." Forgetting that this brilliant child is only at the ripe young age of 2, she looked up at me and said, "I go wee-wee in the potty" and insisted on going that instant. Even though it was hilarious at the moment, my mom helped give Maddie a boost in her potty training efforts. We've really allowed her to take the lead in the whole process. But since that night, she began telling us more regularly when she had to use the potty with only a few, rare accidents.

Thanks, Mom! I'll have to remember to bring Grant over when he needs a boost in potty training.

First Five Questions To Ask Jesus in Heaven

I was "tagged" by my dad to answer his blog meme question and here are my answers:

What are the first five things you want to ask Jesus when you get to heaven?

1. Where's my Grandma Ruby?
2. When will Nathan & Maddie be arriving?
3. Will you show me all the things you liked most about me while on earth?
4. Please explain all the things that happened in my life that were always part of your plan, but I never understood them.
5. Is there an unlimited supply of chocolate here?

Any other answers would be fascinating to read.

Messy House

My house is an absolute mess with toys scattered all over the place, dirty dishes in the sink, wet clothes in the washer and clothes thrown all over my unmade bed. But today I just played with Madeline and let her dictate what our next adventure would be. From swinging in the backyard to jumping on the trampoline to playing in the sandbox to playing hide-and-seek in the house - we spent the afternoon just enjoying each other's company. It's so hard for me NOT to clean up, but it's even harder for me to think about what I might have missed in just being with Maddie and soaking in her loveliness.

Community

I was so blessed yesterday to find some other moms in my Bible study group that love their little toddlers to death, but are just as blown away by random tantrums and meltdowns as I am - I just thanked the Lord that they were even willing to share! I have been wanting to meet and pray with other moms of toddlers for some time and have desired that fellowship and community with other mothers - just to be able to relate, encourage one another and pray for ourselves and our little ones. But sometimes it's so hard to share because I don't want to make Madeline out to look like the child from hell, but I also need an outlet and forum for finding that I'm not alone. Thank God for these lovely women to be so open about their struggles and now we're in the process of trying to set up a prayer time together. That is the second time this week that the Lord has DIRECTLY answered my prayer. I'm really excited to see what the Lord is going to do by bringing us all together in this way.

Separation Brings Renewal

Sometimes it's hard for me to allow Madeline to go and visit with relatives, whether for a few hours or a few days. I know she's in good hands and that she's having a blast, but I always feel most secure when she is with me. She is with her Nana and Poppy this weekend, and she is soaking up all the lovies and captive attention! I want to experience every moment with her, every new discovery she makes, every new phrase she delivers, and it's often hard for me to share her. But on the flip side, I find that when I am even a few hours apart from her, I am more emotionally available to her and can't wait to experience her continual growth and change. So here is a big fat Thank You to her Nana, Poppy, Oma, Pops, Gigi, Papa, Auntie & Uncle Steve, Auntie Jan and Uncle Pete for loving her presence so much and being so available and willing to care for her - even if it is for your own selfish reasons! :)

Are they crying because their mothers keep saying "one more pose?" or because they want to keep taking more pictures with this fake snow background? hmmmm.... 

I love moments like these... 

what static? 

Does anyone eat a double chocolate muffin more beautifully than this? 

Nana, Poppy, Uncle Brian and Uncle Robert joined us for our annual Christmas walk...and Santa showed up, too! 

This is one of their favorite games to play - Nathan jumps over her and when it finally impacts her, she goes flying in the air! 

Here is a picture of me at 17 weeks...now I'm 19 1/2 weeks...almost half way there! 

Madeline's Sweet Blessed Assurance

Madeline enjoys singing this hymn together, ever since she returned from having her Nana sing it to her every night. Yesterday we took turns singing different parts of the song. After I sang "Born of His goodness," she chimed in, "Washed in His BLUFF!"

Blown Away

Madeline woke up today and decided that she wanted to try potty training again. No, she did not walk up to me and use those exact words, but she very clearly asked if she could wear her "big girl underwear." With only one accident this morning, she has gone all by herself three times - wahoo!! I'll continue to let her take the lead on this, but I'm not quite sure how to handle going about our regular outings...we'll have to just see as each one comes. I remember wondering where all of this came from, and the Lord reminded me that I asked Him to help me in preparing to potty train her again before the baby comes...for me it was a just a passive prayer, but the Lord answered me literally. Two things I learned today: Madeline just proves over and again how much she blossoms when she does things in her own time, and no matter what becomes of all this, the Lord heard and answered even my small prayer.

Googly-eyed Grandparents

Madeline went to Nana and Poppy's house for the weekend, while Nathan and I traveled up north to Solvang for a sweet getaway. I'm so amazed at how much grandparents just ooh and aah over our little girl. When we first arrived to pick her up, the entire Kirk household told one Maddie story after another, just dying to see our response to all of her cute antics. And all afternoon, they continued to just feed off her energy and desire for more play time, even though they admitted feeling a bit tired out from the weekend. And as we prepared to return home, my dad smiled at me and said, "So is she coming back next weekend?" I think he was only half-kidding.

I Love My Life

Madeline and I had a fun morning together. She began the day coloring with markers while I made breakfast. Then we headed out for our daily walk together, where she pointed out "Mommy, look at trees! Another tree!" Then we visited Nathan at work and it was so cute because he just beamed when we walked through the door and she said, "Hi, Daddy!" He set up two desk chairs for her to stand on and draw on the chalk board. He proudly drew whatever she wanted and seemed to be lost in another world with her. She soon informed me that she was tired and wanted to "go bed." But we had one more stop - GiGi Nana's house! Madeline just entertained Gigi and Debbie with all her cute phrases and acrobat tricks. Then we came home to take a leisure nap. She rubbed MY back and sang blessed assurance, and then kissed me a hundred times before saying, "Good night, Mommy." And it's barely 1pm...I love days like today.

Blessed Assurance

After staying with my mom and dad for a week, Maddie became accustomed to having her Nana sing "Blessed Assurance" and "Amazing Grace" before bed every night. I've continued this new tradition and she asks me to sing them over and over again before falling asleep. The other night I was singing to her and rubbing her back. She told me she wanted to rub my back and then asked, "Maddie sing to you?" And with that she began singing, "Blessed Assurance Jesus is Mine...Fore-taste Glory Deeviiiine," all the while stroking my back and the side of my face. I think I completely melted right then and there...

Zeke decides he wants to play a new game now... 

Hi Mommy! I'm taking good care of baby Zeke! 

Smile, Zeke...pretend like you're having fun... 

Maddie gives Zeke lovies...xxoo 

Parenting Book

For the next 30 days, I'm asking the Lord to be my "parenting book" to guide me in all my thoughts, words, actions and reactions with regard to Madeline. I have poured over so many parenting books with advice on how to parent this way or that, and I believe that I've picked up some helpful tips and techniques. But what would happen if I just opened myself to receive direct wisdom, understanding, answers and guidance each day without consulting any other resource? Of course this might seem obvious, especially to other Christian parents. But do we truly rely solely on the Lord for wisdom in raising our children? Being in the midst of everyday situations can easily distract me and drive me to look in all my books for answers. I can only take this new venture day by day, but I'm expecting amazing results.

what an adorable heffalump - she loved wearing this costume and walked with her back straight to make sure the heffalump's head didn't fall down. 

she delighted herself in a delicious, chocolate cupcake and couldn't stop smiling the rest of the day! 

here she sits proudly with her daddy and her pumpkins (she picked out the small one all by herself). 

Here we are at her luau birthday party - so hard to believe that she's already 2 and actually wants to act and think for herself! 

at her birthday party - just enjoying a moment under the tree with a lollipop...does life get any more enjoyable than this? 

Here she is eating an entire bag of cotton candy and getting some shade from the unbelievable heat that day at the fair. 

Daddy tickles Madeline at the LA County Fair...I can still hear her saying, "More, Daddy!" 

Meet our newest member of the family. Being only the size of an avocado, we already feel connected to this new little life that will be arriving in early May 2006. Madeline proudly calls herself "big sister" and frequently tickles the baby through my belly! 

Amazing Memory

What exactly goes through a 2 year old's mind, besides wanting lots of cookies and wanting her "poopies" changed? It would be very interesting to know exactly how and what they process knowing all their minds are exposed to each day. I was amazed to come home last night and talk with my mother-in-law after she had watched Madeline for the evening. Debbie explained that out of the clear blue Madeline told her, "Gigi Ruby is in heaven with Jesus." Gigi Ruby is my grandma who passed away a little over a year ago, and while my mom and I do talk about her to Madeline to keep her memory alive, she would have no reason to talk about it with my mother-in-law...except that the thought had been on her mind. And what even triggered that thought? I am just blown away by the way her little mind functions so brilliantly. Of course more than anything, it touched my heart knowing that she is responding to my attempts to keep my grandma's memory alive.

Living Tape Recorder

Okay...so I'm trying to get Madeline ready for bed and I'm explaining all that we're going to do (ie., read books, stop jumping on the bed, etc.) and she looks right up at me and asks, "What you talking about?" And from then on, everything we did she asked that same question. I can guess where she got that phrase from, but how is it that she is already so brilliant in her timing and delivery? I love this kid!

Sickness Brings Compassion

Madeline has been sick for 2 1/2 weeks now...absolutely unbelievable. And her symptoms have continued to change over those two weeks. She's finally starting to feel better, but still isn't completely herself yet. The other night I realized how much she has been through - coughing until she vomits, inability to breathe through her nose, exhaustion, fever, sleeplessness, stomach aches, unending sneezing and nose drips (and nose wipes, for that matter) - that is a LOT for a 2 year old to have to endure, especially not having the words to describe all of her symptoms and pain. I was mulling this over and felt an overwhelming sense of compassion toward her and instead of feeling frustrated because we were about to embark upon yet another sleepless night, I wanted to serve her the best way I could. I wanted her to know how much I love her and desire to care for her needs. I didn't want her to feel bad that mommy is so tired and grouchy because of her illness. It really changed my perspective in how I addressed her ongoing symptoms and in turn, it changed her response toward me. Of course I have felt sorry for her prolonged illness, but there were days that I focused too much on how exhausted I was. I was reminded of what a wonderful little girl I have and how I desire for her to know that I love her and want to be there for her even though I'm absolutely worn out. I hope that is the message she has been getting in the last few days. In fact, I'm positive this is the message she's been getting because I have been the recipient of more lovies and kisses from her than I can remember since this illness struck her down.

Zoo - Toddler Style

Madeline and I strolled downtown right into the pet store (per her request). We stayed in there for a good twenty minutes while she tickled the kittens and giggled at them kissing her fingers. She led me to the parrots and stood watching them as they spoke seemingly important information and when she became bored of them, she moved back toward the kittens. We had so much fun interacting with those animals and it didn't cost us a thing. In fact, Madeline has been there several times before and enjoys the close interaction and the feeling that she is much larger than they are. Support toddler style zoos - visit your local pet shop (and you don't even have to bring a stroller, a diaper bag or lunch money)!

Sunday Slaps in the Face

Why is it that some Sundays I dread going to church and on other Sundays I'm so glad I went? Today I woke up feeling ready for church. Granted, we have not been to church in 4 weeks (for vacation and illness, so justified in my book) and today I found the sermon was very convicting. Nathan and I even talked about it afterward about how it affected us. Then, there are the OTHER Sundays...the ones where I barely make it out of bed and into the shower with enough time to get ready and I'm grouchy during the entire 3-minute car ride because I find it pointless to even attend church. As I'm writing this now, I remember that it has been a long time since I've desired to be in fellowship at church - why was today very different for me? I think I know the answer (besides the fact that I woke up in a good mood, which is always a bonus): I experienced fellowship with some ladies from my church yesterday and I felt excited to go today because I felt extra connected. We didn't discuss life changing topics or set out to change the world - we just talked about every day life things and it felt good to be in fellowship. I believe that fellowship in turn fosters accountability and a desire to be in more fellowship with other believers, even when I'd rather stay in my jammies and read all day.

Mommy Play Dates

I volunteered some time today to help raise money for homeless mothers and their children. I took my Princess House display and had everything neatly organized, hoping but not expecting any business. I usually don't make any money at these "boutiques" but it's for a greater cause. One thing I did bring home were some new connections with other women from my church. We have been attending the church for over a year now and still haven't felt too connected even though we enjoy the friendliness of the church as a whole. But I walked away having spent time with sweet, down-to-earth women who are not necessarily in my same stage of life, but who are just enjoyable to be around because they are women with small businesses just like me. I've been wanting more Christian friends, other young moms who I can relate to with my daily situations. I felt blessed and encouraged by this volunteer day, whether or not any money came in, because I had experienced uninterrupted mommy time....much needed, by the way.

Overwhelming Cuteness!

Madeline just surprises me more and more each day - from what she knows and understands to what she observes and mimicks. The other morning she woke up before 6am. I said to her, "My goodness, Madeline, we are up so early!" With perfect tonation in her voice she responded sarcastically, "Yeah, well..." Nathan and I just looked at each other and laughed out loud, wondering where this little adult came from! The more I thought about it I realized that I use that same phrase all the time, not even noticing that she has picked up on my useless phrases. It's humbling to look at your child and literally right into a mirror.

Organization

I'm in a constant struggle of what I should be doing versus what I want to be doing with my time. I recently finished the book "More Hours in My Day" by Emilie Barnes. She has great ideas and simple plans for getting and staying organized. While reading it, I couldn't put down my highlighter - everything made sense to me and I felt confident in my ability to follow her guidelines. Sometimes I read these parenting books and feel so inadequate. I'm ready to get started on my new organization project, but just as soon as I find her book in my disastrous office!

Grief and Grace

As my family and I near the one year anniversary of my grandmother's passing, someone reminded me that this week could be extra difficult and that I should give myself an extra dose of grace. She asked me, "What is grace to you?" I was stumped to answer because we use the word so frequently that I was struggling to find the words to describe it. I eventually blurted out something like, "Giving myself the freedom to feel and experience whatever may come." Grieving has been a very interesting journey for me, not knowing what I'm supposed to feel or wondering if I feel anything at all, while watching my loved ones grieve in their own ways. There are days when I have felt guilty for not thinking of her at all, while other times I've felt saddened remembering her last days, and yet still smiling because of all the ways she brought joy to my life. One thing that I find myself frequently saying is, "Grandma would have loved this/that about Madeline." I can even envision her watching Madeline's present actions and laughing out loud at her boisterous and spirited acts. I've also heard that the second year of grieving can be even harder than the first - I just hope that this numbness will eventually wear off. I know she's really gone, but somehow can't allow my heart and mind to accept the new reality.

those darn shots!

I took Madeline to the doctor this morning (which she absolutely hates, until she gets her lollipop on the way out) for her two year old check-up. She was measured at 33 1/2 inches tall and 25 3/4 lbs. She is in perfect health all the way around, which is always nice to hear. And the doctor is very pleased with her verbal and other developmental skills. The worst part was having to hold her tight while she got a shot. Plus they sent us down the hall to the lab to get her blood drawn, which was a nightmare because they couldn't find her vein! I felt so terrible, almost crying myself, as she screamed and cried in my arms and all I could do was empathize with her pain, letting her know that I knew it hurt and it was almost finished. On the way home, she was calmly licking both of her lollipops (one for each battle wound) and said, "Shot hurt...Mommy lovies." She was recalling the experience to me with such simple words, but they meant the world to me, knowing that even though she experienced great pain she also acknowledged that I was there comforting her. I hate those darn shots, but at least Maddie doesn't hate me for helping the nurse give them to her.