Grief and Grace

As my family and I near the one year anniversary of my grandmother's passing, someone reminded me that this week could be extra difficult and that I should give myself an extra dose of grace. She asked me, "What is grace to you?" I was stumped to answer because we use the word so frequently that I was struggling to find the words to describe it. I eventually blurted out something like, "Giving myself the freedom to feel and experience whatever may come." Grieving has been a very interesting journey for me, not knowing what I'm supposed to feel or wondering if I feel anything at all, while watching my loved ones grieve in their own ways. There are days when I have felt guilty for not thinking of her at all, while other times I've felt saddened remembering her last days, and yet still smiling because of all the ways she brought joy to my life. One thing that I find myself frequently saying is, "Grandma would have loved this/that about Madeline." I can even envision her watching Madeline's present actions and laughing out loud at her boisterous and spirited acts. I've also heard that the second year of grieving can be even harder than the first - I just hope that this numbness will eventually wear off. I know she's really gone, but somehow can't allow my heart and mind to accept the new reality.