my hunka burnin' love

Ten months old and had his very first haircut today...by mommy!!

before











after














Nathan has been harassing me to cut his hair, saying that Evan could play a hippie on That 70's Show...he forced me to cut his mop top!

But it turned out better than I thought...very happy to see my handsome baby's face again!

Your Fifth Year

Madeline, sweet Madeline...where does the time go? I feel like such an old person uttering such words, but they come from the very depths of my heart. A couple of weeks ago we pulled out a video from when you were an 8 month old baby. The memories came flooding back and as you sat and watched yourself in awe you said, I was such a cute baby! You can say that again!

You just turned five and now you're already asking me, When am I going to be 5 and a half? And then you let me know so proudly, After I'm 5 and a half, I'm going to be 6! And I feel sad sometimes, not because I don't want you to grow up, but because I hope that every day you are in my care that you know just how much I love you.

Here are some of the wonderful things I remember from this year and I want to keep them as buried treasures in my heart. One day you will read this and know just what you were like as a 4-almost-five-year-old little girl.

Last September, I was 7 months pregnant with Evan. You were attending your second year of preschool and not so sure about it sometimes. You liked your teachers but you would come home every day telling me about someone who was not kind to you. I asked you to also share the good moments...you did, reluctantly. I think you really wanted me to know how much you hated preschool OR just how much you really missed being at home with me. I missed you too, but hoped that the time away with other kids would be good for you.

One of my favorite memories from last October was when we had a baby shower for Evan. You were so excited to open up every gift, knowing it would be for the new baby. I remember my heart being so warmed by your sweet excitement and anticipation of this new little life.

The following weekend we spent in Newport with the Kirk's and Koppel's remembering Grandma Ruby. It was a relaxing, fun and memorable time for all of us.

Then, Halloween came. It was the first Halloween we actually teamed up your costume with Grant's...you wanted to be Belle so we went with a Beauty and the Beast theme. Grant was not thrilled with his costume, but he LOVED the chocolate. You were a great trick-or-treat mentor to him, leading him to each door to knock and ask for more. While he continued to drive you crazy as a little brother, this was the year I watched you begin to realize that he loves you and that you enjoy his company.

As my belly grew bigger, you asked me if I was going to have 10 babies. No, but we finally welcomed your baby brother Evan. You were bursting with excitement and anticipation over this new baby that would be arriving. Of course you thought you would be welcoming a baby sister, because when I called you from the hospital to tell you he was born, you said with hardly any enthusiasm, Another brother? Yes, but I don't think you realized how much you would come to love this little baby. All you wanted to do was hold him, yes, carry him around the house like he was a cat. And I let you (with much supervision, of course). You were only 2 when Grant was born, and while you liked him, your dolls and other toys were much more interesting. But with Evan, you realized how much more you wanted to be part of this little baby's life.

You have been such a big help to me in this great big year of change and transition. You have shared your room with your baby brother. There were some mornings when I couldn't open my eyes and you happily gave the baby his nook and then would run into Grant's room and throw toys into his crib. You would proudly tell strangers how you work, work, worked all the time and babysat your brothers all by yourself so your mommy could rest. You should have seen the looks I got!

Then the next several months are sort of a blur. Every day has been busy, busy, busy and very unpredictable. This year I have watched you change from a little girl to a much bigger girl, who wants to be more independent and asks deeper questions and wants to have a better understanding of the world we live in.

I have enjoyed your asking to hear the same Bible stories over and over again. I pray that they take deep root in your heart and that you will walk with him, side by side, all the days of your sweet life.

You are five now, and your life consists of playing with dolls, dressing up in princess clothes, picking out your own clothes, singing Red River Valley, calling family on the phone and leaving hilarious messages, wanting to plan a sleepover with Makayla, learning to read and write, telling me about your imaginary husbands (yes, plural), telling me which Disney princess is your favorite today and why (ie., Snow White is so much prettier than Sleeping Beauty), giggling uncontrollably when you use potty talk (ie., Mommy, I told Grant to say pee-pee and poo-poo...hee-hee-hee!), telling me to rest and you'll clean up for me, and I'll add more details as they come.

For now, thank you for a wonderful five years with you. Never, never forget that you are a gift from the Lord. He made you to be mine, for us to be connected forever both here on earth and in eternity.

princess birthday

This morning was a little rough. We were rushing around (actually, I was rushing around and the kids were all running a muck!) trying to get Madeline ready for preschool (today was picture day), trying to change dirty diapers and get everyone dressed and ready to go this morning. In the midst of the chaos, Grant is potty training. He was so proud that he went potty by himself and decided to unroll the rest of the toilet paper onto the floor. I tried to smile and be excited for him, but all I could do was keep looking at all the toilet paper on the floor.

I could feel my tension rising, so I started praying out loud, Oh Lord Jesus, please help me this morning. I don't want to get grumpy because it's not kind to be grumpy...

Madeline looked at me and asked, Are you leaving God a message?

avon walk remembered

It was an experience I'll never forget. Having Jen by my side made all the difference in the world. I met some wonderful people, both men and women, but there's something about having your family right by your side, especially because we lost someone we loved so much.

We drove down to Long Beach on Friday night to check in and enjoyed the time to talk and laugh together. We woke up early on Saturday morning and met up with Kathy and her friends (who also became our new friends!). We heard heart wrenching stories of strength, courage and loss. We both remembered the loss we experienced just about 4 years ago. We were amazed by the support shown by perfect strangers in the neighborhoods we walked through.

Jen did a beautiful job capturing our experience...













Nathan, Auntie, Uncle Steve and the kids enjoyed visiting us at the walk, and then returned back to the beach house for some relaxing play time. Auntie prepared wonderful food for all of us and we even extended our stay an extra night at the beach house, courtesy of Mama and Papa. Wonderful memories...wonderfully stored away.

it's time to...

Hard to believe that it's already the day before check in.
The money is all in - woohoo!
We'll pack our bags and head down to Long Beach tomorrow afternoon.

I'm feeling excited, and something else is rising up within me as well...tears.
Tears for my grandma and the loss of her presence in my life, tears for the hits my family has taken this year, tears for the struggles we continue to fight through, tears for the victories already won as well as those victories in sight (even small glimpses), and tears of joy and gratefulness.

All I keep hearing is that this is something I'll never forget, an experience that will make such an impression that I'll never be the same.

Thank you, Teseena, wonderful friend, for walking with me week after week before the sun came up, with a smile on your face, ready to talk for at least 3 hours straight (even in spite of mountain lion reports!). I will cherish our walks/talks more than you know. I'm already grateful for having signed up for this event because I have found a lifetime friend in you. I love you and thank God for you.

Thank you, Shelley, for walking with me in places I've been afraid to walk. Thank you for encouraging me, cheering me on, believing in me, and preparing me in countless ways for the life walk I've been on and will continue on in the years to come. Our time together has clearly been by divine appointment. You bless me beyond words.

Thank you to every single donor! Without you, I would not have reached my financial goal and with your help, together we raised $1825!! Thank you for choosing to donate to this cause, so close to my heart and life experience. I couldn't have made it without you!

Thank you to family and friends alike who continued to ask how things were going and continued to offer words of encouragement and support, and even prayers on my behalf.

And most importantly, I want to thank Nathan. My cheering squad, boot camp leader, accountability, encourager, babysitter, best friend and soul mate. Thank you for encouraging me to take this opportunity and to experience it to the fullest extent, hardships and all. Thank you for believing I could actually do this.

When I cross that finish line, your face is the first one I'll be looking for.

I love you.

Now with all that said, I'm ready to go and FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!!

always remember to pray

for those who lost their loved ones on that horrific day,
every day but especially today.

chunky monkey

visit from Poppy

dressing myself

I'm 4 (and a HALF)and I love clothes. Pink clothes. Dress up clothes. Pretty skirts and dresses. And I love creating new and beautiful outfits! I created this outfit all by myself for my big day at preschool:

Polka-dot tank top
Pink sweater
Striped leggings
White Slip (tu-tu)
White Socks
Pink Converse
White Boa!

My mommy just had to take my picture!!

happy grandparent's day!

special surprise for you!

LA County Fair - wahoo!

We decided to brave it out. One whole dollar to get into the LA County Fair on opening day, in 96-degree weather. Evan stayed back with Gigi and Papa, to avoid the heat. We missed having him, but he would have been strapped to the stroller for 5 hours to avoid getting burned by the sun.

We visited the farm animals first. Grant kept repeating Moah Animoes. We have never looked at so many cows, donkeys, horses, pigs, goats (and one pregnant goat that Madeline referred to as one big fat mama goat), roosters and chickens. Our son loves animals!!

Then we made our way to the halls full of gadgets and interesting things to buy. We could hardly move through the aisles...everyone else wanted to hide from the heat too! So we made our way out to the kiddie area. Our little Grant wanted to ride ALL of the rides, even the great big ferris wheel, but he still needs to grow a few inches. Next year we'll be ready for all of those rides. He was able to ride the zoo train ride with Mommy and big sister - he loved it! Madeline talked me into going on the dragon roller coaster. We laughed our heads off. Actually, I laughed because I was the only adult on the ride, but still about the same size as all the other children. The only difference was that I was wearing a wedding ring.

Then Grant and Nathan walked through the miniature train display and we decided to then eat a hot dog on a stick dinner. We pushed through the crowds and found ourselves enjoying the shade of early evening in the garden section. We sat down to rest and soak in the sounds of a musician filling the night air. The kids danced around, chased each other and giggled until they pooped out.

We ended the night by getting them a churro to share on the way back to the car. I think it was beneficial that Evan stayed back because Grant could not stay close enough to me. He kept saying Wuvies, Mama! He wanted to be held almost the whole time. And I also think it was good for us to be able to give our two big kids more of our attention, without having to take away from either of them.

Evan had a blast at Gigi and Papa's, although he smiled big and crawled right up to me when I picked him up.

Memorable times. I pray that even when I'm so tired I just want to lie down and sleep for a week that I will cherish the moments that leave me with a renewed connection with my family.

love this woman

As if I weren't passionate enough about this election, Sarah Palin with her strong family values and love of country have just fired me up even more. Her candidness during her speech tonight just continued to demonstrate her down-to-earth persona while at the same time attacking the issues head on. She's strong. I especially appreciated her message to special needs families, as well as to touching on the fact that her family - like all families - has ups and downs. She's not aiming for perfection, but honesty, protection and positive change.

This is such an exciting time!

you are my sunshine

Nathan is amazing.

He can read me like no other person on this earth.

I've been struggling the last few days (actually longer, but I'll spare the details) and he comes home with his arms open wide. He doesn't always understand the why's of my struggles and he may not even agree with me when I choose to give in to my moods or anxieties. He walked in the door today and simply said You go rest. I'll take the kids. And it wasn't said with a hint of irritation or frustration. In fact, the kids love when he does that. It is refreshing for all of us.

Thank you for being my sunshine in a very difficult season of my life. Even when I have little sunshine to give back.

I love you.

what jitters?!

Nathan picked Madeline up from school yesterday.

She literally screamed when he walked through the door, with excitement of course.

They decided to celebrate both of their first day back to school, with a trip to Cold Stone's.

first day jitters

For me, of course.

Today Madeline went back to preschool. We let her have a break after Evan was born. She had such a hard time going back to school, thinking that we were all having a party without her. Little did she know that Mommy was resting on the couch while Evan slept and Grant played. But we allowed her the option of staying home, as long as she went to Awana, so that she continued her play time with friends.

Last night we tucked her into bed and prayed for her first day. She asked us to pray that the kids would be kind, the teachers would be kind and that she would meet new friends. Once tucked in for the night she came back out asking for luvies. We prayed again, and I hugged her close to my heart, reassuring her with every second that I knew she was going to be just fine.

And she was.

With her new dress and pretty pink converse, my baby girl is not so babyish anymore. She even accessorized by choosing her own necklace, barrette and bracelet.



We walked hand-in-hand up to her new classroom and reminisced about one of our favorite books called First Day of School and how we were doing the same things we read about in the book...walking up together, getting ready to say our good-byes.

The teacher greeted us with a smile, and a sheet of stickers for no tears. She asked Madeline if she had any tears and she quickly shook her head with a resounding no! I still waited to see what might happen. Madeline turned around and hugged me - twice. And that was it.

I told her I'd be praying for her and looking for her new sticker at home, to place on her chart, to receive her first no-tears reward - a sparkling Sleeping Beauty ring! Bribes are wonderful...

pool party

It felt like a gazillion degrees, but we all had smiles on our faces knowing we were on our way to Auntie and Uncle Steve's paradise...chips and dip, cookies, popsicles, swimming, splashing, laughing and cuddling. What a day! We only planned to stay for a few hours knowing the kids would be completely wiped out and yet, they lasted until past dinner. Grant was falling asleep in the car, and Nathan and I did our best to keep him awake. We kept saying Grant! Fire truck! and he'd perk up and look around. We would start making the fire truck sounds which turned into gut laughs. We couldn't even talk. We finally lost him to his sweet dreams. He didn't even budge when Nathan took him to bed and changed him into his jammies.

Thank you for a sweet day...you mean more to us than you'll ever know.