our little chef

You have really been enjoying our time together when we cook. I brought out mixing bowls, ingredients, the cookbook and baking pans and prepared to make a cake with you last week for Thanksgiving. You loved it and were more than happy to get in there and mix the ingredients. You were more interested in licking the sugar out of the measuring cup, and that held your attention for quite some time. Today we learned how to make homemade cinnamon rolls. While watching me punch the dough, you asked if you could do it too. This is the only time that hitting is okay.

Then you brought out some playdough and began rolling it with the pin and sprinkling cinnamon on it. You insisted that it be cooked in the same pan with the other rolls...maybe another time when I'm in the mood for experimenting. This is becoming one of my most favorite past times with you. Who cares how the recipe actually turns out when we have so much fun just being together.

Christmas delight!

Daddy pulled all the boxes of Christmas decorations down from the garage the other night, as we traditionally do every Thanksgiving weekend. You put on your red shirt, red furry vest, jeans and red Santa hat and went outside to help him put up the lights. You were so excited, knowing that after the lights went up, we would be off to pick out a tree. You could hardly contain yourself as we pulled up to the tree lot and when we picked out a few trees we liked, you said, "I don't like that tree. I want a white tree!" Flocked, of course, but not something we're quite ready to do yet with two small children. Daddy and Pops brought the tree inside and it was now time to decorate - what you had been waiting for all afternoon! You searched through box after box after box and were so thrilled at what you kept finding - Christmas bears and other stuffed animals, a manger scene, tree decorations - oh what fun! You waited for Daddy to put the lights on the tree and you stood there, anxiously ready to put up the first garland decorations. Then you carefully put up many tree ornaments, all clustered together at the bottom of the tree, exactly at your height level. Then Daddy said, "Let's make hot chocolate!" And you almost couldn't even wait for it to cool off before drinking it. We finished decorating the tree and the house, 3 hours later, and you didn't want it to end. But finally you conceded, "I'm tired. I want to go to bed, mom."

This was the first time you have ever taken such an interest in Christmas and all that it means for our family. I'm anxious to see what will come during the next month. We don't want to make it about the gifts. In fact, we've decided to tell you the story behind Santa Claus and how he brought gifts to the children, children who are in need. We are looking to downsize and only give you and Grant a few gifts. Mainly because you don't need them and we'd like to make it all the more about Jesus and even less about getting things. You and I already decided together to make Jesus a birthday cake, as a reminder of His birth and entry into this world. You've really been asking more about Jesus and visiting His home someday. My prayer is that your heart will follow Him and walk with Him all your days here on earth. My other prayer is that my humanness and faults will draw you closer to Him and not the other way around...I just love you too much.

tea party, indeed

You have this game you want us to play all the time - I am Mrs. Potts (from Beauty and the Beast), you are Belle (of course), Daddy is Lumiere (a servant) and Grant is Chip (mrs. potts' son). You prepare these delightful tea parties with your Dora kitchen accessories and you talk to us about all the different items you've made for us. And when I accidentally forget to talk in my British accent, you say, "Mom, you forgot to be Mrs. Potts!" Today you were so proud when you filled up your tea cups with "tea" all by yourself and brought them to the office for me to have a party with you.

I didn't see him, Mom!

Your words to me, after hearing a thud followed by Grant's screaming cries. Apparently you were walking through the room and didn't see him lying on the ground - didn't see a 17lb. baby boy who flails his arms and legs - and you tripped on his forehead. He has a nice skid marking on his forehead.

The best part was when you went up to him, kissed him and said you were sorry. He stopped crying soon afterward. He loves having you as his big sister.

thanksgiving

I'm so thankful for my life as a wife and mother. Days can be difficult, but also fulfilling the deepest desires yet to be discovered. I love my husband, who woke up early with the kids and let me sleep in. I love my children, who smiled and laughed as we pushed them on the swings at the park. I enjoyed giving Maddie her "pinano lesson" this morning and watching Nathan fly her around the house, pretending to be Hawk Girl. I love sharing coffee and smiles across the morning breakfast table, not saying a word but understanding the feeling of contentment and gratefulness.

book club - mommy time

A group of women meet at my house once a month to discuss a book that we're reading together. I'm enjoying the fact that I'm actually reading at least one book a month that is purely for my own enjoyment. So far we've read "Kite Runner" by Khaled Hosseini and "My Sister's Keeper" by Jodi Picoult. Both heavy subjects, but very enlightening and humbling, to say the least. The fact that my biggest concerns are how to handle both my children while they're screaming at the same time and how to get my house cleaned up in 5 minutes before my husband walks through the door so I can look like I had a productive day, brings me to a new level of appreciation for my life circumstances when I read these stories of other people's lives. Granted, they're fictional, but probably not too far from the truth of someone's life story.

I'm thinking about altering the book club a bit. It seems that the books we choose are either too boring, too heavy, already been read, etc. etc. and I don't want the club to die out. I'm going to suggest that each person read their own book(s) for the month and bring their recommendations to the group of what they enjoyed. I think we'd get through more books more quickly, and it would open up the variety of genres to read.

Something I'm still thinking about. But all in all, I love book club. I love interacting with adults so that I can return to my little ones with more energy. Maddie asked me why I was having my friends over for book club and I explained, "Because when Mommy has time with her friends, then it helps me not to be grouchy." She accepted that. She understood.

Sprout Pouch

Just ordered this and wish I would have gotten it 6 months ago!! Grant is 17 lbs. and is happiest when he is held close. A few of my girlfriends use it for their older babies and it's wonderful. It took so much pressure off my neck, back, and arm, and he sat happily next to me as I pushed Maddie on the swing at the park today. I used the "Ultimate Baby Wrap" from Babies R Us during the first few months of Grant's life, but all the extra material is a hassle for day trips when he's needing to be constantly moved around. I loved it when he was tiny, for trips to the grocery store and letting him sleep while I pushed Maddie on the swing.

But this Sprout Pouch is wonderful now that he's older, bigger and needs to be moved around much more quickly. They have a wonderful variety of fabrics and are very helpful with any questions. They even have a video clip to help you learn how to use it - which is very easy anyway.

http://www.sproutpouch.com

questions, doubts, uncertainty

I think sometimes that I question myself and my abilities to parent to my own detriment. I wonder if I'm saying things with the right tone or with the right words, if I'm being too quick to judge or if I'm being too lenient. I was reading through "Winning Spiritual Warfare" by Neil Anderson just the other night, realizing that my thoughts are obsessive when it comes to parenting. Have I gotten that far off that I've become so self-absorbed and obsessed that I'm becoming ineffective in my parenting? And why doesn't Nathan struggle through it the way I do? True, he is not in the trenches with me day after day, but he does deal with his share of battles. He seems to just deal with it and move on. I don't hear other mothers talking so much about their self-doubt as much as I hear about their frustrations with not having down time or difficulty dealing with behavioral problems.

I have definite ideas about parenting and yet, they're ever changing. I want order and obedience, yet I want to show grace and immediate forgiveness. I want to be strict to maintain control - but to what end? And for what benefit? Parenting isn't a science, Nathan has reminded me again and again. But I'm learning that more than control her behavior, I want to form and help mold Madeline's heart.

What does that look like? Not sure...it's a tough, up hill battle sometimes because I often correct her behavior when she has embarrassed me. I'm trying to correct her behavior because she made a bad choice and explain the heart and soul of the issue to her, in three-year-old words of course.

And when will I ever be satisfied that I did my best and the rest is up to her? Oooh...just writing that scares me to death.

your favorite phrase

"Tell me about the story of it..."

You want us to tell and retell many different stories about your life and experiences...some of your most requested stories are:

• How you screamed and cried before entering the Tiki Tiki Room at Disneyland
• How you tripped and fell at the farmer's market and scraped your knees
• How you got a blister on your foot while wearing your pink cowgirl boots on a hike with Daddy
• How you were scared to see the Playhouse Disney characters, but then loved it
• How you got lost at the farmer's market and ran up to a man thinking it was daddy, realized it wasn't and then started crying

Some fantasy stories that you constantly request hearing over and over again include:

• How Maleficent was mean to sleeping beauty
• How Cinderella's stepmother was mean to Cinderella
• What songs Cinderella and Snow White like to sing
• How Snow White's stepmother turned into a witch

We have decided to put a reign on what we allow you to watch. Reading the stories are much more enjoyable for your imagination than watching the animated versions that are so much scarier and portray the characters so evil. We want you to be free to learn new stories through reading more than through dvd movies. Your little imagination just can't handle the evil...which is a good thing.

Jesus

Tonight we did the Christmas stroll in our little town and this was the first time ever that you wanted to meet Santa Claus. In years past, you were perfectly content to walk by and give him a friendly wave and that was that. But tonight you sat on his lap and just chatted with him for a bit. You also watched some young performers sing Christmas songs and dance, and you were enthralled with every move they made. You're really starting to take in all the sights and sounds of the upcoming season.

Once we got you home and ready for bed, I told you the real reason that we celebrate Christmas, and how Mary and Joseph went to the inn and had baby Jesus. Your eyes were as big as silver dollars and you took in every word. Then, you asked me if Santa Claus was a real man and whether Jesus was a real man or woman. I told you that Santa Claus visits during Christmas time and brings presents to children but that the real reason we have Christmas is because it's Jesus' birthday and it's time for us to celebrate with a big party! We talked about all that Jesus has done in creating you, me, daddy, Grant as well as the moon, sun and stars. I explained that one day Jesus is going to come down from heaven and take us to His home. You asked me if it is dark there or if there are wolves. (You're terribly frightened of wolves right now...and the dark). You asked if there is an ocean there. You told me that when you see Jesus you're going to ask Him to tickle your tummy and that when He does, you will giggle and say "hee-hee" (your words exactly).

It was fun watching you meet Santa tonight. But it was such a different feeling telling you about Jesus. I don't want to deprive you of enjoying the fun of Christmas with Santa Claus. But I felt satisfied and pleased that your response to Jesus and his return to earth was much more excited and filled with anticipation than I could have imagined.

Telling you the story of His birth, the details that I've heard hundreds of times over the years was like hearing the story for the very first time.

reason #542 to run and hide

We're walking through Target today and this person walks past us. You stop and look at me with a very puzzled look on your face, point and ask, as loudly as you possibly can: "Mom - Is that a man or a woman?"

Yes, I know she doesn't look like a woman, but it's just one of those difficult-things-to-explain-to-your-three-year-old issues. Just like when we were sitting at the restaurant the other night and you said in your normal, projected voice: "Mom--that man is wearing earrings. Boys don't wear earrings!"

your third year

You just recently turned 3...wow! I just can't believe how quickly the time has flown by. I know that's kind of cliche to say, but the truth must be stated! just for your own enjoyment later on, I thought I'd write down what your third year of life was like and the changes that you went through.

Just a month before your birthday, both sides of our family vacationed together in Hawaii. It was your first time ever to fly on an airplane, and thankfully, it didn't phase you too much. Oma was wise to pack tons of leap frog activities and we also brought along the dvd player and sticker books. I am still amazed at how long those sticker book activities keep your attention so long.

One of the highlights of our trip included your first time meeting your great-grandparents (Poppy's parents) and Aunt Judy, Uncle Bill and cousin Jamie. They all got a big kick out of you, especially when you continued to antagonize their toy parrot, who repeated every sound you made and more. You were a delight to watch on this trip, because everything was so new to you. Sure you were only 2, but you took in all the new sights, sounds and smells. You loved frolicking on the sandy beaches and playing with your sand toys. You also enjoyed going into the water and jumping over the waves. Even just getting your feet wet in the water was a pleasure you enjoyed more and more each time. You saw your first blow hole, and hiked down to the Queen's bath, very intrigued by the sea life we quietly observed.

As we sat in the big airplane on the red-eye flight back home, the lights were dimly lit and people were just settling in to rest for the next few hours when you boldly stated, "AH-LOHHHHHH-HAA!" We weren't the only ones giggling from your cuteness that night.

Within a few days of returning home, we learned that the following spring you would become a Big Sister. We talked with you about it, but of course since your life had not been altered in any way at that point, you were gracious enough to just go along with this new big sister game.

We immediately began planning your birthday party and decided that we'd have a LUAU, especially since you had been a little hawaiian traveler. Family and friends gathered to sing and present gifts to you. This time, you really took in the gift opening experience and received so many "babies" you were just amazed. We hung a Nemo pinata on our tree (since that was one of your long running favorite movies at the time) and presented you with the stick to begin hitting Nemo. As we began, you started to cry, saying that you didn't want to hit Nemo. Makes perfect sense that you would not want to beat one of your favorite animal characters. We passed the stick and allowed the other children to "hit Nemo." Sorry about the confusion on that matter.

One tradition that you have always enjoyed since you were only a couple of months old is spending Tuesday mornings with your Gigi Mama and Papa so that I can attend Bible study. Since we live right next door to them, we faithfully continue the tradition and even added more play dates. Some of the things you used to do last year was dance to old Southern music (Louisiana style) with Gigi Mama and a black cat stuffed animal. You also would pick up her weights, light for an adult but heavy for a child, and would make Papa laugh because you would grunt as you'd pick them up with all your little strength could muster.

In mid-October, Daddy and I went on a week-long cruise to Mexico. This was the longest time we had ever been separated from you. But I think we prepared you well, because we built up the fact that you would be staying with your Nana, Poppy and uncles...Translation = you would get all the attention, be given whatever your heart desired, and be the little princess for a whole week! You did wonderfully! Of course, I had called you on the phone several times during the trip, but it was worth the peace of mind I would feel the minute I heard your voice. It wasn't that I doubted Nana & Poppy's ability to take good care of you...it was feeling so far away from you, helpless if anything were to happen that I could not take care of for you. One day you'll understand these sorts of internal, "motherly" conflicts.

Once we returned from our trip, we carried on our tradition of visiting the pumpkin patch, but this year it became more real to you. They even had a petting/feeding zoo and you bravely fed the goats and chickens. You gave me quite a laugh.

And since the Heffalump movie was another one of your favorites, it was inevitable that you would be "Lumpy-dee-lee" for Halloween. You loved that costume and even wore it several times afterward. You even wore it on your 3rd birthday, after you got tired of wearing your pretty pink Birthday dress...never a dull moment with you.

Most 2 year olds are just barely learning how to form small sentences and thought patterns. Of course I am your proud mother, but your verbal skills far surpass those of your young peers. You have an amazing ability to express yourself with adult words and phrases, just at the right intervals. Your timing and delivery are beyond your years, and you are hilarious to dialogue with. But even though your verbal skills are mature, you still pronounced some words so adorably appropriate for a 2-year-old.

One of the things you really enjoyed during this time was jumping on the trampoline in our backyard. You begged Daddy, almost every day if he would do it, to take you on the trampoline. You did all kinds of tricks where he would plop down and your little 23lb. body would fly through the air. Playing on the trampoline has made you more graceful in your movements and you have not once fallen off (by the grace of God!). I think you enjoy the freedom, in more ways than one. It's a place where you allow your imagination to fly, while other times you and Daddy would just lie down and stare up at the sky for countless amounts of time. Treasured moments. We also have a wooden bench swing on our large tree which you enjoyed riding with me. You would rest your head on my lap and ask me to sing different songs to you...moments I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

Something we enjoyed doing together was our frequent visits to the zoo. You received a zoo pass for your birthday and we would go at least once a month. We'd pack up the car with lunches, the stroller and your sun hat and we'd walk around looking at all the animals. Your favorites included the noisy monkeys, the flamingos, the elephants, the giraffes, and the baby animals.

One of the more difficult transitions for you was to fall asleep in your bedroom by yourself. Every night, it would take about an hour or more to get you to go to sleep. Daddy would lie on the floor next to your bed (and this still happens once in a while, but not as long as it used to) and you would talk and talk and talk and talk about everything under the sun while he would lay there with his eyes closed, trying not to fall asleep. I asked him why he would stay in there for so long and why he wouldn't just say good-night and call it a night. He said, "Because one day she won't ask me to lay with her anymore." I will never forget those words because it revealed the depth of his love for you in a different way.

We celebrated the holidays with our families, but one difference was that you met your new cousin, Azlan, at Christmas. You liked him, but were uncertain of him. We didn't get to spend much time with him but it was a little taste of what our life would be like in the months to come.

One game that you LOVED playing with Daddy and me was pulling out ALL of your stuffed animals and talking to them. But what that meant was that we had to be their voices, and sometimes there were even voices for characters we'd only seen in movies...and so the collection of voices grew and grew. They included: Nemo, Dory, Bambi, Bambi's mother and father, Feline, Lumpy, Roo, Kanga, Dora, Tiger, Dude Crush, and I'm sure I'm missing some, but these were the main ones. Boy, you would just let your imagination run wild. And if we ever forgot to respond in our character voice, you would correct us and say, "No...Lumpy!!" And you were so cute in how you pronounced Bambi's father...you would say "FahVer."

Another game that you enjoyed was being pushed around the house over and over again in one of your baby's strollers...a doll stroller. Daddy would push you all around the house and make all kinds of racket and you would smile and laugh. Then he'd stop, completely out of breath and you'd say, "Again!"

After the new year, I took you to visit the preschool your great-great-grandmother founded in the late forties. Daddy encouraged me to get your name on the waiting list, saying that we wanted to be sure and get you signed up especially after the new baby would arrive. It would be good for all of us. Later in early summer, the other preschool she founded closed its doors and so this preschool would be even more difficult to get into. You weren't too sure what it all meant, but we visited and called it "your school."

One of the hardest experiences I've ever had as a parent was the month that I was placed on bedrest because Grant was coming too early. It was early March and my doctor told me that I would need to rest full-time and make arrangements for others to take care of you until it was safe for me to be active again. This was one of the hardest separation times we've had because you would stay with Auntie, Nana, Oma and Aunt Jan during the week, and then you would return home on the weekends because Daddy could be there to take care of you while I continued to rest. Although we talked several times a day - every day - it was not the same. I cried often and even more so on Sunday nights, when you would have to leave me again. You were so cute because one time you called me from Auntie's house and you talked to me on the speaker phone and you said, "Watch me, mom!" And you did some kind of trick that you thought I could really see. You really hung in there, but separating from me has been really hard for you ever since. I'm sure it's just a phase that you will grow out of, but I love how attached we are to each other.

On April 24, 2006, you became a big sister. You have truly embraced it, even though it has often meant that you are not always the center of attention anymore. I'm amazed that you have never gotten angry or frustrated with Grant over the loss of your position, not in terms of importance but in terms of having to share family and friends, and attention! Sometimes you get frustrated or hurt, but you are good at expressing those feelings to us directly. Sometimes when you get angry and can feel yourself getting out of control, you put yourself in time-out in your room. And then you come back refreshed and ready to move on...Amazing you are, indeed.

You began preschool toward the end of June. It was bittersweet. You told me, "I like preschool. I don't want to go back." Oh-kaaaay...now what are we supposed to do? We kept you in it, and it was still difficult for you to be apart from me, but part of you liked it. Your teachers were Ms. Maria and Ms. Brittany. You were already potty trained, but you were learning to do it completely by yourself with the guidance of your new teachers. There was a lot of change going on at once: becoming a big sister, being potty trained, not being the center of attention, having to share mommy and daddy with this eating, sleeping little boy we called your brother, trying to fall asleep on your own. There was a lot of transition going on...a lot of growing up that maybe you felt unready for. Maybe you are still experiencing some of those feelings, even though several months have passed.

You also took a short-term ballet class...it didn't really hold your attention, but you loved the outfit!!

We took a short break from preschool in August and vacationed with the family. You began preschool again in the fall. You've still been somewhat uncertain about separating from me, but you have more confidence and courage to let me go and to pursue what is placed before you. We just met with your preschool teacher for a conference and she is very pleased with your progress, even in the short weeks you've been there. Your tendency is to only socialize with adults (because that's who you enjoy interacting with). But you are learning to interact and play with your peers. You are very good at setting boundaries and limits with other children, but now we're working on your tone of voice in setting those limits. Some of your most favorite people to be around are Rachel, Cameron, Jacob and Ethan...because they give you your space and let you reach out to them on your terms. You just need time, which is okay.

In the last few months you have also become more interested in "princesses." We gave you a "princess" birthday party, where all of your little friends came dressed up and cousin Jen came and painted their faces and told a story. We ate lunch, opened presents and you were in heaven. We had also been working on finishing up our potty training with you the week before (getting you to stop wearing diapers at night) and we gave you a "poopie chart" where you received stickers for going in the potty. You did so well and your reward was a trip to Disneyland, which we took you for the very first time the day after your birthday party. You were completely mesmerized and your favorite part of the entire experience was watching the princess parade. You couldn't believe they really existed and you just stared at them as they danced around in front of you. Of course, the rhinoceros was a bit distracting and intrusive (you were screaming out of complete fear because of how close he came to us), but he eventually moved on (thank the Lord!).

You've given us some great laughs. Since welcoming Grant into the family, you noticed that he has different body parts than you are used to seeing, which prompted many discussions about names and functions, etc. One day when Auntie Jan and Uncle Pete came to visit you exclaimed with excitement, "Uncle Pete! You have a penis!!" He was stumped. Not noticing, you quickly turned to Aunt Jan and said, "Auntie Jan! You have a vagina and everyone else has a vagina, too!" I almost crawled under a rock and died, but I could not stop laughing to save my life. I thought Jan and Pete were laughing from embarassment. I was happy to find out later that they had repeated the story several times over and thought the incident to be priceless...

Even writing about all this now reminds me not to waste even a moment with you. The dishes will eventually get washed and the laundry will eventually get folded. The floors will eventually be vacuumed and things will eventually get organized. But I don't know how much longer you will beg me to be your playmate in your imaginary world. I don't know how much longer you will beg me to stay longer in your room at night and to sing you one last song and to rub your back a little longer. I don't know how much longer you will want me to tickle you and ask me to read your favorite princess storybook. It's so easy to get caught up in the silly every day things, but I do. I'm so sorry for every time I say, "Just a minute, Madeline. Let mommy do...and then I'll play with you." I hope I remember this tomorrow when you wake up, face shining in front of me, ready to play and explore the world. I never want to forget that beautiful face, so full of life and expectation. I'm sorry for making you try to grow up and transition to new things too quickly. Reflecting back on the last year reminds me now that you're still young. You will inevitably grow up...I don't need to hurry along the process.

victory together

hello sweet madeline!

it's been a rough few days for you, for some reason. you've been testing the limits with me, by blatantly telling me "no" when I ask you to do something or by throwing full blown tantrums when things don't go your way. you're only three, but a smart three. although you had three tantrums in a row...today alone...we were victorious! my heart just broke as I heard you screaming and crying so loudly because I wanted to comfort you, but you weren't looking for comfort. you were looking to see how far this could be carried out and how your mommy would respond. would I yell? would I scream and cry like you? would I slam the door or roll my eyes? only by the grace of God did we come out victorious today. because the Lord kept me calm and you finally surrendered. I sat on the edge of your bed and we talked about it. you acknowledged what you had done wrong and asked me to forgive you. you also apologized to daddy and baby brother and then we all prayed together. you sweetly sang, "the Lord is good to Madeline...Jesus help Madeline to use her words and not scream anymore. AMEN!"

the Lord allowed this day and these battles to occur, but for what? we may never know. but I learned much about our interactions today and I had to lean on the Lord for every minute of the battle. because we are not each other's enemy, but the one who is against us is very real. many more battles will come, some easy and some difficult, but we will continue to fight together, my lovely little girl.

I sat tonight reflecting on the day and am blessed that we enjoyed the rest of our evening so peacefully. but even more than that, I'm so blessed that God chose me to be your mom and that I have experienced you, in the wonderful fullness intended to be shared between mothers and daughters. I remember your birth pretty vividly, how tiny and lovely you were when you came into this world. I remember holding your tiny, sleeping body on my chest after one of your feedings. I remember bringing you home and not getting any sleep....for weeks! I remember nursing you in your room, listening to soft music and just taking in the wonder of your new life.

and I remind myself that even though you are growing up and developing your own mind and ideas of doing things, that you are still my little baby girl. and how much more I love you with each day, especially after winning such battles that are only meant to destroy us.